Ivar and Bilbo

Rory and Ivar finished reading The Hobbit two nights ago and Ivar was so sad when it was over. He hates to leave good friends on the pages of a book.

After he and Rory finished the last page of The Hobbit, they sat for a while and talked about it. And then when Rory went to put him to bed, Ivar brought out a surprise for his dad. The whole time they had been reading the book, Ivar had been working on a map of Bilbo's adventure. And then he framed it for Rory and gave it to him. We had no idea this was in the works.

I'm not sure Rory has ever received anything greater in his whole life.

When Rory left for work today, Ivar yelled out to him in the garage, "Good bye, Dad! And may your beard never grow thin!" Which is Bilbo's sweet words of farewell to his dwarf friends.

new year's resolutions

It's going to be a big year for the Groves. Alden declared that in 2018 he will learn how to walk. Hattie announced this is the year she is going to grow her hair out. Elsie raised the bar by stating that in the next 365 days, she will learn to read. Ivar is working towards researching rabbits to raise for the fair. I have high hopes to can or pickle something in every color of the rainbow. And Rory wants to grow his own wheat that he will then grind into flour to make into bread.

Look out 2018. The Groves are coming at you. Just after we stop passing the stomach bug around to each other...

soaked oats

A friend of mine used to say she liked my blog because the topics were so varied and she never knew what was coming up next. I am thinking of her now as I move from marriage to oatmeal.

I love this oatmeal and have wanted to share it for so long. I get out of bed in the middle of the night if I realize I haven't started soaking my oats because I simply do not like regular oatmeal anymore. This stuff has ruined it for me. 

And it's easy to make! The day before I put a cup of old fashioned oats in a tupperware, just  barely cover them with water and then add a dollop of plain greek yogurt. I stir it up, put the lid on and leave it out on my counter. In the morning I boil a cup of water on the stove, add the soaked oats, heat until hot and then add raisins, pecans, cinnamon, salt and butter. 

It's a little sour because of the yogurt. And it's super-duper creamy and smooth. It's hot and filling and hits the spot every morning. I told Rory that it is more important to me now, than coffee. And over time I have been able to cut out the maple syrup I used to put on top. It's more savory and I prefer it that way.

It comes from the cookbook Nourishing Traditions, a really insightful book that has taught me so much about food and how we should be eating. I'm not sure why this is a healthier way to eat oats, it just tastes good to me. I first started eating this while doing my friend Cori's one week eating challenge which was over two months ago and I'm still going strong. 

If you want step-by-step instructions you can find them here.

Enjoy!

margin in marriage #2

I got many heartfelt and grateful emails and texts from friends about that last blog post. It had me turning lots of thoughts in my mind, once again aware of the lack of honest and encouraging voices for women when it comes to marriage and motherhood.

I wanted to come back to this post though, because I came across the sheet of paper that I had written my thoughts on, the night Rory and I worked through all of these issues, one by one.

The first thing I want to mention is that when I was rocking Alden that night, I remembered that the counselors that we went to three years ago spend their winters in Arizona. We wouldn't be able to see them again until April. So then I prayed to God. It was something like, "God. We need your help. We know this season. You know us. We both want a strong and satisfying marriage. But we need you now." (I don't think I often pray in full sentences in my head. I have been noticing this lately...that I pray in fragments and feelings and only when I pray aloud do I make complete sentences...) Anyway...

That is when the breakthrough came. Because the very first thing I wrote down on the sheet of paper that night was: "Apologize for Sunday mornings. You are mean to him." I have it right here on the paper beside me.

So when Rory came up to the bedroom, that is where I started. I told him I am mean to him and he doesn't deserve it. I am taking all of my Sunday morning frustration out on him, as if he is the reason I am not getting in to hear the sermons. But that's not true. So I apologized a sincere and genuine apology and promised I would be kind to him on Sunday mornings. And then we talked through our Sunday morning game plan, feeding Alden before we leave for church, him taking Hattie out if she needs to leave, making every effort to keep me in the service. He voiced, again, that his top priority is for me to get a recharge, and he'd gladly be in the hall with the babies if I would just tell him when I needed him (he never knows if I am nursing or getting a coffee or talking to a friend out there...)

Anyway, we made a plan that actually begins the night before to make sure our Sunday mornings go well. We talked about having a plan for Sunday lunch. And then having our family meeting after lunch.

So I guess that's what I wanted to add to the first post. This coming back together began with 1) prayer asking for God's help and 2) an apology and 3) forgiveness. It was God who gave me the clarity to write it all out. And it was God who asked me to start the conversation by confessing my  rude treatment of my husband on Sunday mornings. And it was from there that we found our footing again, decided to work as one, and found hope in this demanding season.

Which was a good thing because this week Hattie and Elsie have had the flu. And man, oh, man, am I glad to have Rory by my side! Our nights have been loooooong, the laundry unending, and the girls have needed so much extra attention and snuggling. We are exhausted and could definitely use an uninterrupted night's sleep (haven't had one of those in six months!) but we are united and on the same team. And that makes all the difference in the world.

margin in marriage

Rory and I had a difficult December. Just a repeated scenario of me thinking it was time for him to take over and him thinking he had a job and a farm to tend to. It all came to a head the weekend of Christmas and things I thought had been communicated had not been heard and we both were looking at the other with a "pull it together" attitude.

Rory suggested we go back to the counselors we had seen a few years ago. I agreed.

But then, the day after Christmas, I was rocking Alden and I had this sweet, unemotional, moment of clarity. I saw the issues clearly. Sunday mornings was a trigger for us. It's a lot of work getting everyone up and out the door, and during all of December I never heard a sermon. But I was there. I just was either walking the hall with a drippy-nose Hattie, teaching Sunday school or nursing Alden. I left each Sunday morning in a sorry-for-myself sour mood and aimed the whole of that frustration at Rory. Which made him incredibly defensive, wondering how he was supposed to read my mind.

So I put Alden down, got a piece of paper and wrote out each offense, his side, my side. I honed in on Sunday mornings and wrote down what I know about Rory. He is dependable. He wants to do right by me. He works so hard for our family. He wants me to feel supported and does, in fact, support me in a hundred ways. I was hung up on the few instances that things didn't go according to plan.

Anyway. I called him up to the bedroom. I read out each situation and explained (in writing) how we were in that tricky season of no margin. If he says he'll be in at 5:00, I start watching the clock at 4:37. And 4:54. And 4:59. If he's a little late, I have grace for that. 5:03 is fine. 5:05 I can muster up understanding. 5:06 and I am done. I've had it. He's late. And I turn on a dime in that moment into a frustrated, resentful, tired, hungry woman who will now let this moment ruin the rest of the evening.

We talked about how little grace and understanding we have for each other. And we talked about needing a neutral time to bring up grievances.

And then it hit us. We need to bring back the Family Meeting.  And what is crazy about that fact is that we created the Family Meeting, at this exact no-margin season when Ivar and Elsie were Hattie and Alden's ages. In fact, the issue at hand was the very issue we worked through four years ago in our marriage counseling!

So because of this schnazzy blog, which is basically my personal journal, I was able to look up the agenda that we had created to deal with these issues: menu planning, talking through the next week's calendar, lining up babysitters so we can get out once every two weeks. It was all there. We had some serious breakthrough four years ago. And now we were tapping into all of it again. And not only that, but we felt validated that this simply is a hairy season. But we have the history to know that it is, in fact, just a season.

I wanted to link back to that post in case you, too, are in a season that needs some family organization.

What a great blog!
Good stuff, joyfullybecca.com. Good stuff.