margin in marriage #2

I got many heartfelt and grateful emails and texts from friends about that last blog post. It had me turning lots of thoughts in my mind, once again aware of the lack of honest and encouraging voices for women when it comes to marriage and motherhood.

I wanted to come back to this post though, because I came across the sheet of paper that I had written my thoughts on, the night Rory and I worked through all of these issues, one by one.

The first thing I want to mention is that when I was rocking Alden that night, I remembered that the counselors that we went to three years ago spend their winters in Arizona. We wouldn't be able to see them again until April. So then I prayed to God. It was something like, "God. We need your help. We know this season. You know us. We both want a strong and satisfying marriage. But we need you now." (I don't think I often pray in full sentences in my head. I have been noticing this lately...that I pray in fragments and feelings and only when I pray aloud do I make complete sentences...) Anyway...

That is when the breakthrough came. Because the very first thing I wrote down on the sheet of paper that night was: "Apologize for Sunday mornings. You are mean to him." I have it right here on the paper beside me.

So when Rory came up to the bedroom, that is where I started. I told him I am mean to him and he doesn't deserve it. I am taking all of my Sunday morning frustration out on him, as if he is the reason I am not getting in to hear the sermons. But that's not true. So I apologized a sincere and genuine apology and promised I would be kind to him on Sunday mornings. And then we talked through our Sunday morning game plan, feeding Alden before we leave for church, him taking Hattie out if she needs to leave, making every effort to keep me in the service. He voiced, again, that his top priority is for me to get a recharge, and he'd gladly be in the hall with the babies if I would just tell him when I needed him (he never knows if I am nursing or getting a coffee or talking to a friend out there...)

Anyway, we made a plan that actually begins the night before to make sure our Sunday mornings go well. We talked about having a plan for Sunday lunch. And then having our family meeting after lunch.

So I guess that's what I wanted to add to the first post. This coming back together began with 1) prayer asking for God's help and 2) an apology and 3) forgiveness. It was God who gave me the clarity to write it all out. And it was God who asked me to start the conversation by confessing my  rude treatment of my husband on Sunday mornings. And it was from there that we found our footing again, decided to work as one, and found hope in this demanding season.

Which was a good thing because this week Hattie and Elsie have had the flu. And man, oh, man, am I glad to have Rory by my side! Our nights have been loooooong, the laundry unending, and the girls have needed so much extra attention and snuggling. We are exhausted and could definitely use an uninterrupted night's sleep (haven't had one of those in six months!) but we are united and on the same team. And that makes all the difference in the world.

2 comments:

Marlene said...

Becca and Rory,
Sundays are always the hardest! When I was trying to get my 3 little boys to church on Sundays it was always a struggle! Remember what you're fighting against at that time. Persevere, it's so worth it!
You should get to be in service at least half of the time, too!
Much love,

val said...

Becca, seriously. I understand and so does Jay. When we were trying to wrangle babies to church we were so fried by the time we arrived, it felt like a I'd worked a full shift. And the natural tendency is to get at each other, as if. As if we are not on the same team, striving toward the same goals, yes we are.

Ei-yi-yi.

Both overworked and harassed, needing a little TLC, neither one with the reserve to give that.

No answers. Just love. Love, Val