a great big blank canvas

                                                                image from google images

A few months ago I was at the obgyn and pointed out a lump I have in my armpit. The doctor kept an eye on it from visit to visit and after another 6 or 8 weeks it had noticeably grown. So she sent me across the street to the hospital for an ultrasound immediately that afternoon. I just had a few hours to wonder and get really curious. She seemed concerned, but I refused to get really worried until I had all the information.

Still...in those hours I did wonder how I would react if I got some crazy-bad news. You know, the sort of day dreaming you did when your parents were late coming home from a meeting at church on a snowy winter night and you were able to take that situation all the way through the fatal car accident that left you orphaned and alone. And you may or may not have had tears streaming down your face while your imagination ran wild.

Or was that just me?

So in this scenario, I wondered, if I got news with a timeline that told me I had months to live, what would I do. It's a good question to ask from time to time anyway, just to see how fully we're living out our days. But in this moment, the question held a bit more weight. And honest to goodness, sitting there in my paper smock in the ultrasound waiting room, looking out the window at the tree blowing against the glass, I had one clear thought: I would go to Dick Blick, buy a HUGE canvas, every color of acrylic paints, a variety of brushes and I would paint something really big and colorful.

It made me smile. This honestly is my dream. Not a trip to Bora Bora. Not a chance to meet famous-celebrity-whats-her-name. But to use a lot of thick paint on a great big canvas.

My appointment proved to be very uneventful (praise God) and I left with a clean bill of health. With this good news, I got in my car and drove straight over to Dick Blick. You know, to price check my dream. Turns out, my greatest life's dream might run me around $100, depending on how much paint, how big of a canvas, and how many brushes.

Not too shabby to make a life dream come true.

So for Mother's Day I asked for a huge canvas and some acrylic paints. And tonight we are going to Michaels (because I've been price shopping and have a 40% off coupon) to purchase a large canvas, paints and brushes. I can't wait. I'll be sure to show you my masterpiece when it feels presentable. It might take a lot of paint to get it presentable...

memorial day

Rory and I just watched a documentary on PBS called Hell and Back Again. It was powerful and sobering and the sort of reminder I think we all need to remember the true gift we are given from a military who protects and defends and serves our country. To those of you who have served, and to those of you who pray with might for someone you love who serves on our behalf, thank you.

After the program, I wrote an email to my cousin Diane whose son-in-law is a Marine and has served our country on multiple missions in some terrifying situations. This is what I wrote:

Diane,

Rory and I were just watching a documentary of Marines in Afghanistan and it made me want to drop you a line to pass along to Steve. I watched this program and thought about all the things that he has seen that he wishes he never had seen. And all of the things he has felt that he wishes he never had to feel. All the sounds he has heard, the emotions he has experienced and terrifying moments he has lived through that he wishes he hadn't heard, felt or witnessed.

So on this memorial day, just wanted to say a huge thank you to Steve. And to Libby too, for sharing her husband and her little girls' daddy with the rest of the country. It is overwhelming to me and impossible to say the perfect right thing. But I'm grateful. That's what I want him to know.

Becca

Ivar's swing/ thoughts on 18 months

I adore 18 months. Ivar now uses enough words that I can usually figure out what he needs, and this is fantastic. I recently heard him yelling from the bathroom, "Helpee! Helpee!" which is his combination of Help and Please. I ran to the bathroom to find his hands on the bottom of the tub and his feet extended over the ledge. He had been bending to try to get a ball and was stuck in a pike position with legs in the air. Thankfully there was no water in the tub, but more than that I was glad he had a word that could get me to his aid so quickly.

He will do anything for a laugh, and is often making himself laugh. Yesterday I heard him back in his room, all by himself, cracking himself up. No idea why. And now we have this swing, which is basically a giggle machine.

He also can entertain himself for longer stretches of time. I can't always count on this, but sometimes he will play in his room for lengths so long that I have to go and see what he's up to. Sometimes he's balancing on a box looking out his window and yelling, "hi!" to our neighbors in their backyard. Sometimes he's reading books in his glider rocker. Sometimes he is manhandling the cat. It's so fun to watch him grown and learn.

the machinery trader

While at the farm, we told Uncle Jake of Ivar's love of tractors and trucks and big heavy equipment. Uncle Jake walked into the next room and came back with a special gift for Ivar: The Machinery Trader. It's a newspaper filled with pages and pages of tractors, cranes, diggers, loaders and semi trucks that are for sale. Ivar cannot get enough. He will go page by page for a good long time. And when he needs redirecting all I have to say is, "where is your newspaper? why don't you go and look at your newspaper for a while." And he'll pull it out and begin his sound effects to accompany each page.

uncle jake, he had a farm EIEIO

We went on a little weekend adventure on Friday. Had to go see the baby moo's and baby meow's. And the buzz-lips-like-an-engine tractors. It was a great trip. We all got to ride in the tractor with Uncle Jake, Ivar and his second cousins Ida and Stella became quick playfriends, Aunt Louie made me my alltime favorite spaghetti and cheese sauce, and Ivar let us know when it was time to visit the cows again by standing at the front door with his shoes in his hands yelling, "moo!"

The coolest thing at this farm right now are the farmers. Uncle Jake is now farming with his daughter Sarah. Sarah is my elder cousin by three months and is working to take over the whole operation one day. She's tough as nails, mother, wife and 31-year-old female farmer. I mean, for real. I just think this is so cool. I'm so proud of her.

On Friday night we were up talking and Uncle Jake came and gave Sarah instructions for the morning. She is driving this tractor lately, over the planted fields, pushing down the large rocks with those heavy rollers. Uncle Jake told her she had 1 1/2 inch clearance on either side...if she got the wheels of course at all she would rip up the newly planted beans with the tractor tires.

It made me think about how sometimes I hit that buzz strip with my ford focus on a large highway, and how Sarah only had 1 1/2 inches of grace with this huge tractor! It also made me feel badly that we had stayed up so late when I saw her in the field the next morning. No dozing on a tractor.

We went to a farm auction on Saturday morning. That was a whole new experience for me. We left for naptime, but they actually auctioned the entire farm at the end. It was an old farmer's place, now dealing with memory loss. Cool to see the community show up and so fun to take in the banter of an auctioneer.

 And then, perhaps the highlight for one person in attendance: we shot guns.

Even the 8 month pregnant mama shot a round. This gun hit my shoulder hard...I wasn't a huge fan. But my husband was a huge fan of watching his round belly wife fire a weapon. Which made it all worth it.