cupcakes, combines and so much crying

I woke up this morning, once again surprised that the baby is still on the inside. We are three days past the due date now. I lay there and thought about the open day ahead of us and could hear the kids talking in their room. When I go into labor they will go with my folks for two nights and then to Rory's folks for two nights. And suddenly I just wanted to shower them with love and time and tenderness, knowing that our daily routine is going to look very different, very soon.

They came down and we snuggled. Rory built the first fire of the season in our stove and we sat by it. We had bagels and cream cheese and then put warm clothes on for the day.

And then I told them our plan.

Today I was going to take them to the river to build sand castles. We have a beautiful arboretum by us with trails and it leads to a sandy bank that we love to frequent. They loved that idea. And then I told them we'd go and get cupcakes to eat as a treat when watching the combine working in our field. I couldn't think of a more perfect morning and was personally excited for a carrot cake cupcake.

We loaded the car and when Ivar got into his carseat his pants slid down a bit. He got out and tried to pull them up, but then back in the seat they had slid down a bit again. And he absolutely fell apart. I tried to help but he screamed with so much frustration. I told him I'd go find other pants.

I was digging in the dryer when he came in the house, sobbing and angry. He kicked off his crocs and took off his pants. I told him he needed him to go upstairs to find different pants, as I had already gone up and down the stairs four times this morning and was tuckered. Instead he rolled on the ground and I sat on the couch watching. Elsie was still in the car, buckled in and eating gold fishes so I knew she was okay.

I sat there and recognized that I had time to deal with this. All we have is time. So I asked him what he wanted to do with his day. He told me he didn't want to do any of my ideas. He said he wanted to stay home and read books.

Which sounded so awesome in my tuckered state, I could hardly handle it.

I went out to get Elsie who was delighted to tell me that both kittens had jumped in the car through my open door and had been drinking from my water cup. I told her the new plan and then she fell to pieces. Obviously. I mean, the word cupcake had already been spoken. No doubt she was angry with the changes.

So I unbuckled her and she cried and I told her she could come and read books with us for just four books, and then we'd go find an adventure again. It took her a long time to come into the house.

Which was good because it was in that time that Ivar cried into my arm while sitting next to me on the couch. And then he said the thing that finally explained everything. He choked out, "What is going to happen when the baby is crying and I am crying too?!!" He was sobbing at this point.

Our whole family is feeling so much right now. Change is just around the corner (or so we've thought for about a week now...) and Ivar sort of summed up all the questions of not really knowing what it's going to look or feel like. I showed him how I had one arm around him in that very moment, but that I had another arm that can hold the baby. And I told him this is why God gives kids a mom and a dad, because I will be able to snuggle with him when Dad helps the baby. And I told him sometimes he or the baby will have to wait a minute until I can get to them. But I will always get to them.

Elsie came in the house and we talked about it all over again with her. And she said confidently, "I will hug the baby when you are crying, Ivar."

We read four books, all snuggled together. And then we made three glasses of chocolate milk and drank those at the kitchen table. And then I asked them what they wanted to do next and they both knew: "Go to Target to buy Elsie her high heels!"

Apparently they had discussed this plan last night after we tucked them in. Elsie had birthday money to spend and has been talking about getting cinderella high heels for weeks. I just hadn't been informed of their plan when I made my own this morning.

So that's what we did. On a glorious, stunning, fall day in Minnesota, we went to Target for two hours. And found the high heels. And then found all sorts of other things we never knew we needed. Mostly I kept running into friends and was enjoying the fellowship that can be found in random Target aisles all throughout the store.

We came home and ate cheesy chips for lunch (microwave nachos!) and now they're up for quiet play time.

There are so many emotions under this roof right now. And in the end, today ended up playing out exactly how it needed to because we had the time to talk about some big feelings that had been hiding under the surface. It felt good to all cry a bit, to feel the feelings and talk about them. And isn't this the whole point of motherhood? Today I was grateful for this waiting time and the added time to get to mother and reassure and cuddle with my older two.

Though I still am craving that carrot cake cupcake...

just twiddling our thumbs

So here we are! I really thought that whole lunar eclipse thing might have started things up, but I woke up this morning startled to be getting the kids ready for preschool. But they're off now, and the house is quiet and I can handle this. Just don't come and make a mess in my kitchen. Then I might lose my mind.

These hilarious pictures were included with the hundreds from Marlene and Madison's 50th Anniversary Party. They made me laugh so hard. I promise to show the lovely pictures too...but until then, these are sort of my favorites. You know how I love a good family blooper.

Until tomorrow...

family of four

We just got a CD of pictures from Marlene and Madison's 50th wedding anniversary party. I have to go through them first, but I can't wait to share them! It was such a fun night. This picture above is from that evening and I love this little capture of our family, my belly, and this little slice in time before we add another. 

My technical due date has always been the 27th. But when the ultrasound tech said the 23rd, I grabbed hold of that date because it was our anniversary and I liked the sound of that...a baby on our 10-year. I also liked it because it was sooner, and every pregnant woman ever will pick the sooner due date versus the later. But that 27th date was the more accurate, the one my midwives have stuck to, and so the 27th it is. I'm not even overdue yet. I could easily still be pregnant on Monday. 

I told Rory I am fine waiting. I actually am really enjoying these days. The kids and I are having some sweet time together and I'm trying to love on them as much as possible. I'm fine waiting. It's the doing that's bothering me. I wish I didn't have to do anything! Like walk up the stairs to help the kids work through a sharing issue. Or unload the dishwasher. Or make any meals for anyone. 

But it turns out, that's my gig, and a girl can't just sit around and blog all day (though you'll notice I've been quite wordy lately! I have a feeling that will come to a screeching halt here when there is a baby in my hands instead of a laptop.)

Last weekend I told Rory, "If this baby is still inside of me next Saturday, let's take the family to the Renaissance Festival. It's supposed to be a gorgeous day." Rory looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "Gross. I cannot think of a more unsanitary place for you to be if your water were to break." And that's said by a guy who loves the Renaissance Festival, used to work there, had his bachelor party there and has been telling Ivar all about knights and armor and castles all summer getting him ready for their father-son outing. But I am definitely not invited. We'll see what we do with ourselves instead. This morning Rory asked what my plan was for today and I said, "I'm going to go look for gourds and little pumpkins to decorate our book shelves." Then I heard myself and confessed, "Clearly I'm at the stage where I am just making up things to do."

So we'll keep making them up. Always aware that something very painful is just around the corner, followed by welcoming the newest member of our little family.

Until then, you can read Ivar's birth story here and Elsie's birth story here. (I just read through these myself and realized Elsie came 3 days after her due date! I have been telling everyone she came one day early. Good thing I wrote out their birth stories!)

contentment

If I could go back ten years and talk to myself I would say, "just walk down that aisle. You are making the best decision of your life." Because all day long today I've been struck with one thought, over and over: I am so content. I think sometimes I overthink our life, but today I got a birds eye view, sort of taking a step back and looking at my life right now. And it looked pretty great.

Our day today was pretty lay low. I brought the kids to the cupcake shop where we bought cupcakes to celebrate Rory and my 10th anniversary, as well as Rainbow Bear's birthday. I didn't know it was Rainbow Bear's birthday until I woke up this morning, but Ivar knew, and as a result, Rainbow Bear got his own three dollar cupcake too.

We came home and I made ham sandwiches and we ate our cupcakes for dessert. The kids played on couch cushions most of the afternoon and I wondered where I thought I'd be in ten years, back when we got married. And did I know I would love my family this much?

In the afternoon our neighbor girls came over to watch the kids and Rory took me shopping to look at Pioneer Woman's dishes. We got a few things, but I was most excited about the pastry cutter that I needed to make pie dough for the apple pie I want to make tomorrow.

And then we went out for Thai. And when I ordered my pad pak the waitress whispered excitedly, "and do you want it super spicy?!!" It made me laugh, and I told her no, we weren't there to induce labor. We were celebrating ten years of marriage.

Our conversation was fun and excited, our gifts were each handmade and I felt so peaceful and comfortable in my own skin. That is the gift I didn't see coming...contentment and comfort. I feel them so strongly, just before this sweet bundle is about to join the mix. I can't wait.

It dawned on me that in another ten years, I will have a 14, 13 and 10 year old. And maybe more. And the only difference is that I will have grown in love with them for another ten years. And ten years after that I'll love them even more and more and more. Isn't that a crazy thought?!! That these kids, God willing, aren't going anywhere. Rory and I just get to love and enjoy them in every single season. And there are no two people on planet earth who love them more than we do. It's the shared joy of a mother and father. A true gift to our marriage. And the best thing we can do for our kids is to continue to love and serve each other first. We made the right decision ten years ago. And it's only going to get better.

Married 10 years ago today: 10 bits of wisdom learned along the way

It was my sister who pointed out that I don't actually want to have this baby on our ten year anniversary...because throwing a kid's birthday party is not all that compatible with a romantic night out with Rory. So much wisdom from that big sister of mine! Still no signs of labor. Tonight we're off to Walmart to check out Pioneer Woman's dishes and then to our favorite Thai restaurant. This picture was taken last night, and I think I can see some tired in my eyes... :)

***

This is a big one! A huge one! And one that we've worked hard for. Ten Years! We did the most amount of work on our relationship in this last year, putting in lots of time in marriage counseling right around our 9th anniversary. And I can say it was worth every minute. Because in some crazy twist I feel like we've had the best year of marriage this year too. We came out the other side so much stronger and unified. It feels great.

I asked Rory to collaborate with me on this post, mostly out of my own curiosity as to how he'd respond. I told him I wanted to make a top ten list of things we wish we would have done differently, or things we are so glad played out like they did. Sort of our own ten bits of wisdom we'd pass along to another young couple living out their first decade together. We collaborated through emails, so the the voice might change from sentence to sentence, but we've both given it the final thumbs up. Here's our list, in no particular order, except this the order we thought of these things...

**We both wish we would have started having kids earlier.  We were very strategic and well thought-out with our family plans. We actually called it "the 5-year plan" and felt like it would be wise to get our finances and work ambitions up and running before we started a family. We paid down debt, got to know each other, worked towards a stable marriage, I worked full time and we saved every dime of my earnings practicing how to live on one income. We traveled and lived all over the country. I got to pursue camp ministry. And that was great. But in the end, we both wish we had started having kids sooner. The day after Ivar was born Rory said to me, "why did we wait so long?!!" And we've felt that way ever since. Kids are a lot of work, but they're way more reward than you could ever put into words.

**We have lived on a budget our entire marriage and it has saved us many a financial fight. Rory's work brings in a greatly fluctuating income, depending on various contracts. And because we both value my time as a stay-at-home-mom, and Rory's income in unpredictable, we live on a frugal budget. This can be hard as there are times when I know we're making more and it feels like we can relax a bit. But Rory is so strict about this budget...he'll put us on a spending freeze ten days before the month is out if he thinks we're running low. It's a great way to eat out of the pantry and freezer, and a great way to continue to live within our means. Sometimes I rebel against the budget because boundaries are annoying, but over and over again I would never trade the security, unity and peace I feel because I know our finances are all in order. On the whole, we don't fight about money. We've had seasons of much and seasons of little but the budget keeps us from fighting about it. We fight more with the budget but usually not each other. (Dave Ramsey's course is awesome, if you ever get the chance to take it. It was foundational in teaching us how to even begin talking about money.)

**We are really glad we moved out of state for a while. We lived in Montana for six months and then on to Nebraska for almost two years. Nebraska was especially good for us...we knew no one and our memories from that season of life are so sweet. Life was simple. It really was just the two of us looking for adventures together, building and creating (we were so creative then!) in our apartment. We had no obligations to anything because we didn't know anyone. We knew we wouldn't live away from family forever, but for the sake of building up our union of two, this was a great move. The moment we got pregnant with Ivar our plan was to get back to the land of grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, and cousins. And we're so glad we did...especially as we strive to raise our kids in the faith.

**We wish we had more hobbies together. In reality, we probably spend way more time together than the average couple. I'm a stay-at-home mom and Rory is a work-from-home business owner. We are together all the time. And I love it. But we don't have many shared fun activities in how we spend our time. We aren't into sports teams, I sort of golf, but I don't like to garden or build things. I do like to document our life and Rory makes our life awesome to document. But we probably should look into a bowling league or origami class.

**Last April we got rid of the tv when we noticed how adversely it was affecting our kids behavior (and our own) and we are so glad that we did. We both read much more now. The temper of our house is way more calm and creative. We often have multiple fun projects going and our kid's ability to play together has increased by hours. HOURS, people! On Friday nights we pop popcorn, hang a big sheet in our living room for Family Movie Night (with the projector) and the kids pick a movie and then Rory and I watch one together after they go to bed. Our kids don't beg us to watch another episode of Bob the Builder all day long because they know we watch TV once a week, together as a family. It has become an awesome weekly ritual, and I will not plan outings on Friday nights anymore because it is such quality family together time.

**Rory mentioned this one..he said he's so glad he took risks early in our marriage, like starting a new business. When we were dating he quit his job to break out onto his own full time. Our first year of marriage was the beginning of his company and gradually it was able to support us. It was nice that he had the opportunity to fail a few times before getting these ventures on their feet before we had kids. We now recognize that having kids really does lessen your ability to "risk it all" because you are providing for a family. But now it is his computer-based business that is allowing us to live on this farm, allowing Rory to work from the country.

**We have tithed faithfully and God is faithful. I've never known how to write about this one before because it is a touchy topic to talk about. But I want to say that we have tithed (and then some) for our entire marriage. And there is something about tithing faithfully that is directly tied to God's provision for your life. I've heard the cliche that you cannot out give God, and I am here to say it is completely true. Again, you never get to talk about this stuff aloud, but I have first hand stories of God's faithfulness in providing for our family that still leave me in awe and wonder. If you don't tithe 10% of your income to the church you attend, you need to give it a try. This is the only topic in the Bible where we are invited to "test God." (Malachi 3:10) Tithe with a cheerful heart and just see what happens.

**This is one we're still trying to work on, but we regret not getting a weekly or even twice monthly standing sitter for just the two of us. Most of our sitter requests are for times when we meet with our small group or are taking a class or are invited to dinner with friends. But we rarely get a sitter for just the two of us to go out alone. And that's a shame. The trouble is that sitters and food and date nights are expensive, but I think it would add a lot to our relationship.

**We have figured out how the other refuels. Rory needs unstructured, unplanned, unscheduled down time. A lot of it. And I need people, spontaneity, travel and adventure. The difference here just requires a whole lot of communication and compromise. I have learned to plan my adventures far enough in advance that Rory is fully on board when the time comes. And he has learned that on a given night, there are times when it is just worth it to get me out of the house and making a memory. It takes intention and it takes compassion for how the other is wired.  And it is so, so worth it.

A final thought...

**We are so glad we chose each other. I was so worked up our entire engagement, wondering if I was making the right decision. Rory and I were so opposite then. (Rory doesn't think we were all that opposite though...) I knew I loved him, I knew I wanted to be with him forever, but I just could not figure out how we would work into each others lives. On paper were were opposite in nearly every way. I put him through the ringer while we dated. A few nights ago he told me that even if I had called everything off he would have still waited for me. And man, I came close! But I cared so much for him from the start. We were such good friends. I saw so much in him that I admired and I loved who I was when we were together. I felt like a part of my personality clicked into place when we were together and I liked that girl. And now a decade later, I can see all the ways that we have become one, and all the ways that we compliment each other, and all of the ways that we strengthen each other's weaknesses. Our life together is definitely not perfect and sometimes we drive each other up the wall, but we both can clearly see that our life together is good for us, growing for us, and worth the work. We are better people together than we could have ever been apart.

Here's to the next ten ahead!

(Click here for a fun picture post of our first nine years together...)