marriage counseling

I remember reading Mindy Kaling's hilarious book and her writing about how annoying it is for her, as a single woman, to hear her married friends talk all the time about how hard marriage is. She'd think to herself, you married him. Figure it out and get over yourself. You're married. And when I read it I laughed and then for months her words frequently came to mind.

Because it is hard. And because I think it does have to be said. No matter how annoying. Because the other thing that is so annoying is watching marriages fall apart. Except it's not annoying, it's devastating. In the past two years I have heard way too many stories of couples I knew growing up, friend's parents, family friends who have ended their marriages long after the kids left the house. The last one I heard about was a couple that made if 45 years before they divorced. What in the world?

With each of these couples, and I'm thinking of three in particular, I tried my hardest to wrap my head around what could have gone so terribly wrong during year 38 to cause such a rupture in their relationship to necessitate such a decision. Obviously, I don't know the answer. These were couples I knew from a far. But for each one, when I heard the news, I was first filled with disbelief followed by deep sorrow. Sorrow for their pain, for their kid's pain and their grandkid's pain. Sorry for whatever it was they were still looking for and how they didn't feel they had found it yet.

I believe marriage is the ultimate way God refines us. What better way to teach a person selflessness, servant-hearted giving, forgiveness, patience, self-control and real love than in the context of marriage. That almost makes me laugh a bit. Because it's brilliant. God is brilliant! If you want to teach a person patience, have them be united to the same person for the rest of their life and see what happens. I bet they grow in the art of patience.

When I heard of these divorces, of people I knew in my childhood, people I knew from family functions, people I looked up to, it shook me up. Because we're all fallible. And I believe there is a very real enemy who would love to see all marriages destroyed. And he seems to be working extra hard lately.

After Rory and I moved to the country and added a second baby to our family we started getting a bit short with each other. We had bad sleep for about a year there, and it left us both pretty crabby. Plus we had this huge transition on our hands: a hobby farm in a new town with two kids. There were so many variables it was hard to know what was at the root, but whatever it was we were taking it out on each other.

I called many marriage counselors in our area, asked friends for recommendations, looked on the internet. But most were a 30 minute drive from us, and the one I found in town had just stopped marriage counseling because, as she told me on the phone, 'it's so hard to spend so much time with couples when there is so seldom any resolution.'

In a last ditch effort, I asked a staff member at our church on a Sunday morning if she knew of any marriage counselors in the area. She smiled and said she and her husband love to counsel couples. I remember telling her, "I'm not afraid Rory is going anywhere. We're both in this for the long haul. But if he's not going anywhere, we've got to figure a few things out." I thought it was cheeky and funny, but it also was true. Marriage is a long time. And it might as well be awesome.

This couple used a curriculum that structured our sessions. We had homework each week and met for three months. There was always prayer involved and I even went in for a special session to pray about one area that needed special attention. My parents came every Tuesday afternoon to watch our  kids so we could go. And some sessions were incredible, and others were helpful but hard and had us sitting in silence on the drive home. But we could feel the ways God was reshaping our relationship. Marriage at its core is a spiritual commitment, and through prayer and these hard conversations God was able to reshape our hearts.

So much good came from those Tuesday afternoons. It really amazes me to think about it all now. They helped me make a critical distinction in my conflict resolution. I don't like conflict, but I also can't react very well in the moment. I need time to process. This was a HUGE breakthrough for me. Because even though I don't like sitting in the tension of conflict, it often takes me a day to process what I am feeling and why I am feeling it. To learn this with Rory was life-changing. We now know to stop conversations in the moment, and to decide on a time to talk through the heart of the issue.

When we took the huge marriage inventory at the beginning of our session we scored really high on communication. Our scores were almost perfect. But our score for conflict resolution was terrible. Which felt so validating! Rory and I can talk a subject into the ground and back out the other side of the earth and back into the ground again. We're great at talking. We just don't know how to work through all of those words. So we focused a lot of time on skills and language for conflict resolution.

And then we began the weekly family meetings. Those started in direct response to our marriage counseling. I later likened counseling to seeing a physical trainer. It's good, and there is a lot to learn. But if you don't put into practice what you're learning, if you don't exercise on your own time, or make actual changes with how you spend your time, a weekly visit to a physical trainer isn't going to do much good. Same with a marriage counseling. Once a week isn't going to cut it if you don't decide you will actually change how you behave within your marriage the rest of the week. Those family meetings are like our power work outs, where we literally work out the nuts and bolts of running a household and created a space to have some of the bigger conversations that need to happen in order to feel connected.

We still have those meetings every week. And when we can't meet on a Sunday, Rory will break over lunch on Monday to meet. He insists. Because it's that important for both of us.

I guess I'm writing all of this out because I want to say a few things to the world. First, Mindy Kaling, your book is hilarious and I just want to add my voice to the other annoying married people out there to say again, "marriage is hard." Because it is, and I think it's good for people to know that. Because the movies, romance books and basically everything in the world would want us to think it's an all-the-time fairy tale. Second, I am so sad for every single marriage that doesn't make it. I'm sad for the broken hearts, the broken families and the broken lives that are left in the wake of divorce. Third, marriage counseling is incredible. Incredibly hard, sometimes awkward and incredibly worth every single minute. Rory and I are light years ahead of where we were in September when we started. From now on I would always start the search by asking if anyone does counseling within the church. It's less expensive for one, and for two, true healing comes from God alone. To find a counselor that believes in the restoration found in Christ Jesus alone is imperative.

So go build an incredible marriage. Walk through your valleys and fight to make it to the other side. The stories of redemption, reconciliation and restoration are always the greatest stories of all. And our God is the author of every one of those stories. They're the ones He writes the best.

cousin sarah's corn salsa

I have had so much awesome feedback from my Pretty Much Paleo post on Monday. Lots of emails, phone calls and follow up questions.

It probably should be noted that I am not a doctor, or a dietitian, and that I failed 5th grade Human Growth and Development. Now that you know that, I will proceed.

When we are out of the house I eat Wendy's chili, a Jimmy John's un-wich, McDonald's Southwest chicken salad or Taco Bell's hard shelled Taco's. I eat burgers out of their buns and love Chipotle's salad (that dressing!). I keep a baggie of almonds and dried fruit in my purse at all times.

When I am at home it is most important that there are awesome snacking options available. Like my cousin Sarah's corn salsa. I try to have this stuff on hand all the time. It's great with corn chips, and awesome on a lettuce salad with chicken and some sort of dressing.

You can add cilantro if that's something you fancy. But I can't handle that stuff, so I don't add it. Instead I usually add a little extra vinegar. Because I totally fancy vinegar.

Cousin Sarah's Corn Salsa:
1 can black beans, drained
1 can black eyed peas, drained
1 can corn, drained
1 red onion diced small
2 peppers, any colors, seeded and diced small
2 Tbsp. Vegetable Oil
1 1/2 tsp. Vinegar
1 tsp. Cumin
Salt and Pepper
(cilantro, chopped)

Eat with corn chips or on a salad. It's yummy.

possum problems

Tonight I drove home in flip flops after getting a pedicure. I hit the button to put the garage door up and saw two glowing eyes and a pointy long nose of one big possum eating cat food on top of our freezer. I honked the horn, attempting to scare him away, but instead he waddled over to the heated cat beds and made himself cozy and comfortable. The cats were up in the rafters.

I was paralyzed. This thing kept looking at me and I couldn't get out of the car. I basically had bare feet! And very vulnerable toes. So I called Rory who was inside watching tv. But he didn't pick up his phone. So I backed the car up (causing the possum to drop to the floor and hide under the kids' toys) and flashed my brights until Rory stuck his head out to see what I needed. I rolled down my window, "The possums back! He's under the trike."

Rory disappeared back into the house and I was certain he'd come back with a gun. He had been startled by the possum a few nights ago, digging in the cat food bag. But when he came back he didn't have a gun. Instead he yelled, "where's the SD card for the camera?" He spent some time taking pictures of the possum. (The picture above is the possum coming out from under a storage unit. I cropped it for you, kind readers, riding the possum of his tail, the sickest part. I like you too much to subject you to possum tail on my blog.) And then he proceeded to use my kitchen mop to try to move the possum out of the garage.

Gross.

But our garage has too many possible possum hiding places to make that plan go smoothly. So Rory moved his truck out to make more room to find this thing. Eventually he got it out of the garage and watched it waddle back into the woods until he comes back again tomorrow night.

I later commented to him that I was surprised he hadn't gotten his gun. He told me, "for that thing? He's harmless. A possum is just like a big docile rat, Becca."

Thank you, Rory. That is very comforting.

pretty much paleo

From the start, I am feeling funny about writing this post. But this shift in my eating has been such a mental health game changer I feel like I have to share. I ate this way last January to April, and swore I never go back to "normal" eating again. But I fell off the wagon on Easter Sunday and never was able to get back on. I wanted to. For a whole eight months...but it seemed overwhelming and I couldn't quite remember what I ate...

So here I am to document what I am eating, why I'm eating it, and to say from the start that the plan in this eating strategy is this: Get back on the Wagon. That's the goal. The success of this eating plan is not based on calories or pounds, but rather getting back on track when I get off track.

This is going to be a doozer of a post, so if you don't care, just move on. You'll be annoyed by the end if you don't. :) You've been warned, and now I'll move on with the back story. Last Christmas, we were driving home from my mom's house where I had played the part of Mary while acting out the nativity. And a we drove home, I was scanning through the pictures on my camera and could not get over the size of my face. I looked so round and poofy. I looked unhealthy. (And white, which is an unfortunate part of winter...we eat, we hibernate and we turn white. It's really a triple whammy.)

That night I grabbed a book off of Rory's nightstand, The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf. I started skimming it, and I started believing it. Without any sort of fanfare, I started eating paleo the next day. And three days later it was as if a fog lifted. I can't explain it more that that. You just have to try it. Because the same thing happened to me this time around, one year later. Just three days into this eating plan and my energy, clarity of mind and mental well-being are all noticeably improved.

The crazy thing is that I'm eating really fatty foods. Which feels backwards. But last time around I lost a good amount of weight, and this time around the scale is moving in the same direction at a motivating clip.

So I'm going to list out my actual eating menu here. This is mostly for me, to help me get back on the wagon when I fall off. I simply forgot what I ate, how I snacked, even my go-to's for breakfast. This list isn't exhaustive, but it's definitely the core of what I'm eating. And hopefully, if you're interested at all, this will give you a concrete way to start.

You'll notice right away (if you are familiar with Paleo) that I am not super strict with that diet. I think this eating plan falls somewhere between Gluten-free and Paleo. It's more than Gluten-free (I'm not eating any grains except corn) and not quite full-on Paleo (I eat potatoes and even some dairy). Mostly, it includes no grains and no sugars outside of natural foods. (But there are some let's-be-serious foods on there that help me get by from day to day...like dark chocolate and chocolate soy milk. Because, let's be serious.)

So here's my Pretty-Much-Paleo Plan: (all of my eating options)

Breakfast:
Over Medium Eggs and Roasted Sweet Potatoes (I eat this 80% of the time)
Hard Boiled Egg whites (good for eating on the go)
Grain-Free Granola
Scrambled eggs and hash browns
Ham, Salami, Bacon, Sausage
Fruit: banana, kiwi, orange, grapes, pear, grapefruit

Snacks:
Apples with Peanut Butter and Raisins
Ants on a Log (my current obsession. I cannot get enough. It's like I'm five.)
Homemade hummus and sweet pea pods
Hard boiled egg
Prunes
Nuts
Popcorn
Yellow corn chips and Salsa
Sarah's corn salsa
Canned Fruit (when I'm dying for sugar...)
Ghirardelli dark baking chips
Chocolate Chex cereal
Flourless Chocolate cake at cupcake shop (for special occasions!)
Tea

Lunch:
Green Leaf Lettuce or Spinach Salad with Broccoli Slaw and nuts and dressing
Tuna Salad on lettuce
Chicken Salad on lettuce
BBQ meatballs
Soul Sisterhood Chicken
Turkey Kielbasa and Peppers and Onions
Skin-on hot dog with mustard and giardiniera
Chili
Pork Chops
Bok Choy Salad- no ramen

Supper:
I can usually eat what my family is eating in some modified way. Instead of spaghetti, I'll stuff a pepper with the sauce and meat.

A few things to note:
-Last time around I ate no dairy. But this time around I crave milk, so I'm going with it. I'll have dairy in moderation.
-I'm taking a multivitamin, vitamin c and vitamin d everyday.
-I will have some rice, but not even a serving. I also am fine eating potatoes. Mostly sweet potatoes.
-I have found a tea that I drink all. day. long. I'm off of caffeine and sleeping like a baby.

And I try to always have:
-a dozen hard boiled eggs
-grain-free granola in the fridge (for when I want chocolate, something munchy, or "cereal"
-roasted sweet potatoes, already roasted and in the fridge. Makes for fast breakfast prep.
-homemade hummus
-homemade mayonnaise (seriously, I'm losing weight...)
-Sarah's corn salsa

Again, all this is probably overkill. But I hope it's helpful to someone. The greatest part is that once you are off of carbs and sugar, you stop craving carbs and sugar. It can be a tricky three days to get there, but I do not crave those things anymore. That said, if I do have bread or a bar, it is like starting over from day one. My body wants more of that goodness, and it is a fight to get back to this place of non-craving. Which means it actually is not worth it to have a cheat-day, or to indulge just one time. I don't mean that to be legalistic, but it really means there is a three day battle to get back to my happy self.

I got the book Grain Brain from the library last weekend, and it's worth a skim. It's a more technical read for all that I am feeling. I personally didn't need to know so much science behind this eating plan. The proof in my mood, my energy, my outlook, my clarity, my productivity is enough for me. I know there are probably critics to this sort of eating, but when you find something that makes you feel so much better, it's going to be hard to convince me that caramel rolls, biscuits, scones, crackers, muffins, donuts, cereal, cake, bread, buns and bars are actually things I should add back in to my diet.

If you do give this a shot, let me know what you think. I'd be curious to know. :)

a grandparent and grandkid retreat in nebraska!

I'm heading back to Nebraska, and could not be more excited!!! Rory and I lived for two years in Nebraska while I worked at Nebraska Lutheran Outdoor Ministries located in Ashland, right between Omaha and Lincoln.

They were two awesome years at an incredible camp. It was a huge undertaking...each summer I recruited and helped select over 70 summer camp counselors. And then trained those camp counselors for the summer ahead. It was awesome work, and I loved the people surrounding me at that job. I had quality co-workers and met some really neat families connected to the camp.

So when I was asked if I'd like to come back to help lead the grandparent and grandchild retreat this spring, I was over the moon. Mostly, I can't wait to get back to see some dear friends that I haven't seen since we moved (just before Ivar was born! how does time go so fast?!)

And the retreat couldn't be cooler. It's going to be held on a Monday-Wednesday during the week of Spring Break. Grandparents are encouraged to bring their elementary-age grandchild(ren) for a few days of memory-making, story-sharing and quality time together. I will be leading this retreat with Pastor Lance Ferguson who serves at Spirit of Hope Lutheran in Lincoln and Amanda Silva, the retreat coordinator at the camp. The three of has have had a few conference calls to plan the whole retreat and each time I get off the phone higher than a kite. It's going to be an incredible three days.

If you're in the Nebraska area, or have parents who are, or siblings...send them my way! Especially if you are a parent with a kid in elementary school...call your in-laws or your folks and encourage them to take your kid off your hands for two nights of Easter Vacation! :)

And if you're in Minnesota, I have made the drive in 6.5 hours from Minneapolis to Omaha. (might have been driving a bit fast...) Accommodations are STUNNING (we're in The Swanson Center!) and the program will be excellent. You'll be glad you came.

The Schedule, Registration and more Details can be found by clicking here.