is there a book inside you?

We've had this book on our bookshelf since were were married. Rory remembers buying it when he was in high school. I've thumbed through the pages but mostly answered the title. Is there a book inside you? Me? Are you talking to me? Why, yes. Thank you for asking. Yes there is.

I've always known this. I love writing. And I've always had the desire to find the discipline to write an entire book. The hang up was that I never felt I had anything unique to add to the mix. I have lots of stories. Lots of story material. But I knew it wasn't a book. A few years ago I decided to table the idea of writing a book until I had something to say. (That was a smart idea!)

This year at the Groves' Family Christmas my brother-in-law, Kyle, asked me if I thought I'd ever write a book. I told him I thought I would one day, but for now I didn't know what I'd write about. And I'm not sure how it snowballed, but soon most of the adults were discussing one idea I had mentioned and the conversation gained momentum and I got excited. My father-in-law brought up something that felt like the clincher to bring the whole thing together. We drove home that night and I knew I finally had something to say.

(I'm going to pause here for a minute to flat out apologize for being so vague. Because I'm not actually going to tell you what the book is going to be about. I'm afraid if I do, I steal my own thunder and write a blog post about my book, instead of the book itself. That's probably super annoying, but hopefully it is super motivating for me to write the thing and super inspiring in the end when you read the thing. But again, I apologize.)

A few weeks after the Groves' Christmas conversation I brought something up at ECFE that sort of summarized the idea behind this book and after a friend wanted to talk some more. As we talked I mentioned that I want to write about this and she was so encouraging. The ideas felt original to her and she was so excited that I might write them out formally.

I went home that day, gave the kids lunch and put them down for quiet play time and nap time and then sat on the couch and wrote out the entire outline for such a project. I had nine chapters. I had subtopics. I had illustrations plugged in. I have had this book inside of me for a long, long time.

The reason I am writing about all of this at all is because I think it's going to affect my blogging. It actually sort of has to. I've got little margins of time during my day and I'm realizing that if I'm going to pump this sucker out, I will have to stop blogging so regularly. Which is a bummer, but hopefully will lead to actual pages in your hand in the near future. I would imagine, just knowing myself and my blog, that I won't be able to stay away for any serious long stretches, but if I do go missing, I would love your prayers that I would write something worthwhile, helpful and heartfelt. (And then be sure to keep tabs on Rory. From possums to hatching eggs, he'll keep you entertained...)

I have given myself a little six month deadline. It's totally doable. The book is written in my head. At night I wake up and write entire sections in my head. Rory told me I probably need to start getting out of bed and writing them down when they're feeling fluid and inspired. I might start doing this, but I also am trusting that when I sit down with an hour to write, God will give me focus, clarity and confidence to write the words that need to be written in that window of time.

I'm so excited. Can you tell? I have a strange and awesome confidence going into this project because I know this book is supposed to be written. I would love your prayers for focus and to see this baby through. I am anticipating that at some point this confidence and excitement will turn into insecurity and heaviness, so pray against that. I'm announcing this project as a means of accountability. Pray that I see this book through to its completion.

I've got a book inside of me! And it's busting to get out!

giving away my first book

The picture above is of me and my friend, Amanda. I've known Amanda since she was three, friends through church and our mom's sang in the same singing group. When I worked at Mount Carmel Family Bible Camp recruiting their summer staff, I recruited Amanda. She was thrilled to come and I was thrilled to have her spirit on our staff.

She is one of my favorite people on the planet. She's like sunshine. She's a happy, joyful, fun girl and to be with her means you're probably also feeling happy, joyful and fun.

When she came to work at Mount Carmel she was at a crossroads, deciding what direction to take. At camp she was surrounded by awesome people and solid teaching. And then she decided to grab hold of the truth and she has been in a dead sprint following after Jesus ever since.

Since then, there have been so many times that I have looked up to Amanda and her solid foundation in Christ and wanted to be more like her. She is such a bright light and so encouraging to me. She's a dear friend who always leaves me wanting to run the race a little harder, shine a little brighter and love and serve with all my heart. Isn't that the sweetness of having a sister-in-Christ? She spurs me on when I'm feeling weary, and I can spur her on too.

I think it was three summers after we worked together at Mount Carmel that I was pregnant with Ivar and we were up at camp at the same time. She and our friend Lindsey came to eat dinner with me and Rory and wanted to know everything about pregnancy. And they begged me to write down everything I was learning and feeling so they could read it one day. I'm not just saying that. It was like they both had me by the arms, telling me to write about this first baby.

So I started right then. With the two of them in mind I started writing little pieces about pregnancy all the way to Ivar's first birthday. I called the book Two Lines to One Year. (The two lines being the two lines on the pregnancy test). A few of the pieces I published on the blog, but most of them I didn't. After Ivar was born I would bring him to my in-laws, Marlene and Madison's, house and then go and write at the Prior Lake Library for a few hours. Looking back I can't get over how fortunate I was to have this time to myself and time to process all I was feeling as a first time mom.

In the end (and with a whole lot of motivating by Rory) I self-published a very rough draft. I had two copies printed and when they came in the mail I felt so proud. I read it through and then I got pregnant with Elsie and the two books made the move with us to the country.

It was not until a few Sunday's ago as I sat in church, thinking of all the things I needed to do before going to Amanda's baby shower that afternoon that it dawned on me: "I wrote Amanda a book! I get to give her that book!" The book is dedicated to Amanda and Lindsey and it says, "if you are the only two who ever read this little ditty, I can think of no greater readership." I came home and pulled it from the bookshelf and wrapped it up.

I drove to Eagan and sat with all of Amanda's awesome family and friends and then got to give my friend a book I had written. It was the best feeling in the world. I felt proud of this little rough draft and so grateful to give her something to read while she is walking the same rocky road of being a new mom. She loved it. Cried big tears and I was so glad for the time I took to write each word.

I got home and took the other copy off of the shelf and went up to bed and read the whole thing. Some stories I'd omit now. Some I'd greatly edit. But on the whole, I loved it. I loved my heart behind it and some of the stories were hilarious. I was proud of that little book.

Now I don't intend to actually ever publish that one. But it stirred something in me. Something that's been brewing for a long time. And since I'm getting a little long winded here, I'll save part two for tomorrow.

the sacred ordinary

Our days have been pretty ordinary lately, and it seems my eyes to "find a story" are less creative than usual. But in an attempt to find the sacred in the ordinary here's what we've been up to:

+We've spent most of our time building and rebuilding and building again a zoo. We've got a pony stable, an aquarium, a mini-bear and a lion exhibit. It's really pretty impressive. And we're always in the middle of another building campaign.

+The kids are so loud lately. Loud when laughing, playing, fighting, running, having-trouble-sharing... One day last week I found myself shushing them over and over and finally at one point I realized I was the only one in the house. Their volume didn't matter. They were going bananas because we've been cooped up so long. So I decided to join them. I got super loud and played loud music and joined in their silly loud play. And it worked. It didn't annoy me as much when I joined in.

+Rory built an incubator and has four eggs that he rotates four times a day. He has an external thermometer that tells him the temperature in there. He wakes up multiple times a night to check the temp and then runs downstairs to adjust the dimmer switch so that the temperature stays within three degrees. He is a very devout mother hen. You can read more about his incubating adventures here.

a quick hello

It's not like me to have such a gap between blog posts. But this has been an unusual week. On Monday I found out about a writing fellowship and decided to apply. The application took all day and I got it in by midnight. Yesterday I made a meal that we brought to a friend's house for dinner. Today we've been to ECFE, McDonalds (hence the ketchup on the face) and at the moment I am most excited for a nap, so this will be a quick little drop in.

Because I did want to share the conversation Ivar and I had on the way to ECFE today.

Ivar: Mom! Look out your window! Do you see Baby Jesus is gone! It's just the stable left. (a house we pass on our way into town has had a nativity set up all season)

Becca: Oh right. That's because Mary and Joseph took Baby Jesus to Egypt where he'd be safe. An angel warned Joseph in a dream so that's where they went.

Ivar: No. Mom, those were just decorations. So they're probably in a box in the garage.

sister daughter

If I ever call Elsie my baby she will protest, "I'm not a baby! I'm a sister daughter!"

Today we were playing house and they were assigning roles. Ivar was the daddy, Elsie was the mama and I said I'd be the baby. But Elsie corrected me again, "No. You be the sister daughter."

the best ice breaker questions

As a part of Women's Bible Study this semester, I was put in charge of coming up with a weekly ice breaker question. I just spent entirely too much time reading through other people's lists and came up with my personal favorite get-to-know-you questions. The first question is original. I'll be sure to answer that question some day on the blog...

• Have you ever ordered anything off of tv? Was it as good as they said it would be? 
• What interest haven't you pursued but have always wanted to and what draws you to it?
• What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten? Best thing you've ever eaten?
• If you could choose one day to live again, what day would you choose?
• What is your favorite thing to do in the summer? In the winter?
• If you had a time machine that could travel to anytime in world history (the past) what time period and where would you visit? (And then after Jesus' living years, where would you go?)
• If you could hop a plane and go anywhere in the world with anyone, where would you go?
• What is a gift you will never forget receiving?
• Would you rather go without television or fast food for the rest of your life?
• If you had this week over again, what would you do differently?
• What book, movie or tv show have you seen/read recently that you would recommend? 
• What was your first job? What is the best job you've ever had? The worst?
• Do you have any pet peeves?
• Who, from your childhood, were the people who most greatly shaped who you grew up to become?

And if you're looking for one incredible resource for group mixers, check out this link.

how to make a friend

I spent four days this weekend in Mesa with my sister and my folks. Annika and I left our kids and husbands behind and hopped on an airplane with good books, hopeful for naps and sunshine. And we got a lot of both.

I came home late last night and this morning Rory had really important phone calls that required a quiet house from 9:30-12:30. So we went to the John Deere store, our favorite burger place and the library.

When we got to the burger place I put in our order and then we waited at our table. It's sort of a diner feel restaurant and we are regulars. I needed to use the restroom and was trying to get my kids to leave their chocolate milk to join me in the bathroom so I could go. But they were hard sells and eventually the woman who took our order walked by, heard my plea to my kids and told me she'd be happy to watch them.

When I came back they had discovered their shared love of John Deere tractors. Ivar told me excitedly that she has two boxes of tractors at her house that her big boys used to play with. When she walked away he asked me when we could have a play date at her house.

She brought our food and we asked her name. She said it was Laurie. And Ivar asked if he could play with her tractors and she laughed politely.

After she walked away I explained to the kids, "That is how you make a friend. You start talking and find something in common. Then you learn their name and remember it so that the next time you see them you can say hi. And then you are friends."

As I said it I was struck with how simple this formula is. And then I realized that I had just made a new friend named Laurie, and left motivated to try to learn one new name each day. Especially the names of the people I see often, like the workers at the stores I frequent or really, any place in my small town.

The world would be a whole lot more inviting if everyone shared this daily goal, wouldn't it? I thought it was a nice thought, and I'm going to give it a go.

marriage counseling

I remember reading Mindy Kaling's hilarious book and her writing about how annoying it is for her, as a single woman, to hear her married friends talk all the time about how hard marriage is. She'd think to herself, you married him. Figure it out and get over yourself. You're married. And when I read it I laughed and then for months her words frequently came to mind.

Because it is hard. And because I think it does have to be said. No matter how annoying. Because the other thing that is so annoying is watching marriages fall apart. Except it's not annoying, it's devastating. In the past two years I have heard way too many stories of couples I knew growing up, friend's parents, family friends who have ended their marriages long after the kids left the house. The last one I heard about was a couple that made if 45 years before they divorced. What in the world?

With each of these couples, and I'm thinking of three in particular, I tried my hardest to wrap my head around what could have gone so terribly wrong during year 38 to cause such a rupture in their relationship to necessitate such a decision. Obviously, I don't know the answer. These were couples I knew from a far. But for each one, when I heard the news, I was first filled with disbelief followed by deep sorrow. Sorrow for their pain, for their kid's pain and their grandkid's pain. Sorry for whatever it was they were still looking for and how they didn't feel they had found it yet.

I believe marriage is the ultimate way God refines us. What better way to teach a person selflessness, servant-hearted giving, forgiveness, patience, self-control and real love than in the context of marriage. That almost makes me laugh a bit. Because it's brilliant. God is brilliant! If you want to teach a person patience, have them be united to the same person for the rest of their life and see what happens. I bet they grow in the art of patience.

When I heard of these divorces, of people I knew in my childhood, people I knew from family functions, people I looked up to, it shook me up. Because we're all fallible. And I believe there is a very real enemy who would love to see all marriages destroyed. And he seems to be working extra hard lately.

After Rory and I moved to the country and added a second baby to our family we started getting a bit short with each other. We had bad sleep for about a year there, and it left us both pretty crabby. Plus we had this huge transition on our hands: a hobby farm in a new town with two kids. There were so many variables it was hard to know what was at the root, but whatever it was we were taking it out on each other.

I called many marriage counselors in our area, asked friends for recommendations, looked on the internet. But most were a 30 minute drive from us, and the one I found in town had just stopped marriage counseling because, as she told me on the phone, 'it's so hard to spend so much time with couples when there is so seldom any resolution.'

In a last ditch effort, I asked a staff member at our church on a Sunday morning if she knew of any marriage counselors in the area. She smiled and said she and her husband love to counsel couples. I remember telling her, "I'm not afraid Rory is going anywhere. We're both in this for the long haul. But if he's not going anywhere, we've got to figure a few things out." I thought it was cheeky and funny, but it also was true. Marriage is a long time. And it might as well be awesome.

This couple used a curriculum that structured our sessions. We had homework each week and met for three months. There was always prayer involved and I even went in for a special session to pray about one area that needed special attention. My parents came every Tuesday afternoon to watch our  kids so we could go. And some sessions were incredible, and others were helpful but hard and had us sitting in silence on the drive home. But we could feel the ways God was reshaping our relationship. Marriage at its core is a spiritual commitment, and through prayer and these hard conversations God was able to reshape our hearts.

So much good came from those Tuesday afternoons. It really amazes me to think about it all now. They helped me make a critical distinction in my conflict resolution. I don't like conflict, but I also can't react very well in the moment. I need time to process. This was a HUGE breakthrough for me. Because even though I don't like sitting in the tension of conflict, it often takes me a day to process what I am feeling and why I am feeling it. To learn this with Rory was life-changing. We now know to stop conversations in the moment, and to decide on a time to talk through the heart of the issue.

When we took the huge marriage inventory at the beginning of our session we scored really high on communication. Our scores were almost perfect. But our score for conflict resolution was terrible. Which felt so validating! Rory and I can talk a subject into the ground and back out the other side of the earth and back into the ground again. We're great at talking. We just don't know how to work through all of those words. So we focused a lot of time on skills and language for conflict resolution.

And then we began the weekly family meetings. Those started in direct response to our marriage counseling. I later likened counseling to seeing a physical trainer. It's good, and there is a lot to learn. But if you don't put into practice what you're learning, if you don't exercise on your own time, or make actual changes with how you spend your time, a weekly visit to a physical trainer isn't going to do much good. Same with a marriage counseling. Once a week isn't going to cut it if you don't decide you will actually change how you behave within your marriage the rest of the week. Those family meetings are like our power work outs, where we literally work out the nuts and bolts of running a household and created a space to have some of the bigger conversations that need to happen in order to feel connected.

We still have those meetings every week. And when we can't meet on a Sunday, Rory will break over lunch on Monday to meet. He insists. Because it's that important for both of us.

I guess I'm writing all of this out because I want to say a few things to the world. First, Mindy Kaling, your book is hilarious and I just want to add my voice to the other annoying married people out there to say again, "marriage is hard." Because it is, and I think it's good for people to know that. Because the movies, romance books and basically everything in the world would want us to think it's an all-the-time fairy tale. Second, I am so sad for every single marriage that doesn't make it. I'm sad for the broken hearts, the broken families and the broken lives that are left in the wake of divorce. Third, marriage counseling is incredible. Incredibly hard, sometimes awkward and incredibly worth every single minute. Rory and I are light years ahead of where we were in September when we started. From now on I would always start the search by asking if anyone does counseling within the church. It's less expensive for one, and for two, true healing comes from God alone. To find a counselor that believes in the restoration found in Christ Jesus alone is imperative.

So go build an incredible marriage. Walk through your valleys and fight to make it to the other side. The stories of redemption, reconciliation and restoration are always the greatest stories of all. And our God is the author of every one of those stories. They're the ones He writes the best.

cousin sarah's corn salsa

I have had so much awesome feedback from my Pretty Much Paleo post on Monday. Lots of emails, phone calls and follow up questions.

It probably should be noted that I am not a doctor, or a dietitian, and that I failed 5th grade Human Growth and Development. Now that you know that, I will proceed.

When we are out of the house I eat Wendy's chili, a Jimmy John's un-wich, McDonald's Southwest chicken salad or Taco Bell's hard shelled Taco's. I eat burgers out of their buns and love Chipotle's salad (that dressing!). I keep a baggie of almonds and dried fruit in my purse at all times.

When I am at home it is most important that there are awesome snacking options available. Like my cousin Sarah's corn salsa. I try to have this stuff on hand all the time. It's great with corn chips, and awesome on a lettuce salad with chicken and some sort of dressing.

You can add cilantro if that's something you fancy. But I can't handle that stuff, so I don't add it. Instead I usually add a little extra vinegar. Because I totally fancy vinegar.

Cousin Sarah's Corn Salsa:
1 can black beans, drained
1 can black eyed peas, drained
1 can corn, drained
1 red onion diced small
2 peppers, any colors, seeded and diced small
2 Tbsp. Vegetable Oil
1 1/2 tsp. Vinegar
1 tsp. Cumin
Salt and Pepper
(cilantro, chopped)

Eat with corn chips or on a salad. It's yummy.

possum problems

Tonight I drove home in flip flops after getting a pedicure. I hit the button to put the garage door up and saw two glowing eyes and a pointy long nose of one big possum eating cat food on top of our freezer. I honked the horn, attempting to scare him away, but instead he waddled over to the heated cat beds and made himself cozy and comfortable. The cats were up in the rafters.

I was paralyzed. This thing kept looking at me and I couldn't get out of the car. I basically had bare feet! And very vulnerable toes. So I called Rory who was inside watching tv. But he didn't pick up his phone. So I backed the car up (causing the possum to drop to the floor and hide under the kids' toys) and flashed my brights until Rory stuck his head out to see what I needed. I rolled down my window, "The possums back! He's under the trike."

Rory disappeared back into the house and I was certain he'd come back with a gun. He had been startled by the possum a few nights ago, digging in the cat food bag. But when he came back he didn't have a gun. Instead he yelled, "where's the SD card for the camera?" He spent some time taking pictures of the possum. (The picture above is the possum coming out from under a storage unit. I cropped it for you, kind readers, riding the possum of his tail, the sickest part. I like you too much to subject you to possum tail on my blog.) And then he proceeded to use my kitchen mop to try to move the possum out of the garage.

Gross.

But our garage has too many possible possum hiding places to make that plan go smoothly. So Rory moved his truck out to make more room to find this thing. Eventually he got it out of the garage and watched it waddle back into the woods until he comes back again tomorrow night.

I later commented to him that I was surprised he hadn't gotten his gun. He told me, "for that thing? He's harmless. A possum is just like a big docile rat, Becca."

Thank you, Rory. That is very comforting.

pretty much paleo

From the start, I am feeling funny about writing this post. But this shift in my eating has been such a mental health game changer I feel like I have to share. I ate this way last January to April, and swore I never go back to "normal" eating again. But I fell off the wagon on Easter Sunday and never was able to get back on. I wanted to. For a whole eight months...but it seemed overwhelming and I couldn't quite remember what I ate...

So here I am to document what I am eating, why I'm eating it, and to say from the start that the plan in this eating strategy is this: Get back on the Wagon. That's the goal. The success of this eating plan is not based on calories or pounds, but rather getting back on track when I get off track.

This is going to be a doozer of a post, so if you don't care, just move on. You'll be annoyed by the end if you don't. :) You've been warned, and now I'll move on with the back story. Last Christmas, we were driving home from my mom's house where I had played the part of Mary while acting out the nativity. And a we drove home, I was scanning through the pictures on my camera and could not get over the size of my face. I looked so round and poofy. I looked unhealthy. (And white, which is an unfortunate part of winter...we eat, we hibernate and we turn white. It's really a triple whammy.)

That night I grabbed a book off of Rory's nightstand, The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf. I started skimming it, and I started believing it. Without any sort of fanfare, I started eating paleo the next day. And three days later it was as if a fog lifted. I can't explain it more that that. You just have to try it. Because the same thing happened to me this time around, one year later. Just three days into this eating plan and my energy, clarity of mind and mental well-being are all noticeably improved.

The crazy thing is that I'm eating really fatty foods. Which feels backwards. But last time around I lost a good amount of weight, and this time around the scale is moving in the same direction at a motivating clip.

So I'm going to list out my actual eating menu here. This is mostly for me, to help me get back on the wagon when I fall off. I simply forgot what I ate, how I snacked, even my go-to's for breakfast. This list isn't exhaustive, but it's definitely the core of what I'm eating. And hopefully, if you're interested at all, this will give you a concrete way to start.

You'll notice right away (if you are familiar with Paleo) that I am not super strict with that diet. I think this eating plan falls somewhere between Gluten-free and Paleo. It's more than Gluten-free (I'm not eating any grains except corn) and not quite full-on Paleo (I eat potatoes and even some dairy). Mostly, it includes no grains and no sugars outside of natural foods. (But there are some let's-be-serious foods on there that help me get by from day to day...like dark chocolate and chocolate soy milk. Because, let's be serious.)

So here's my Pretty-Much-Paleo Plan: (all of my eating options)

Breakfast:
Over Medium Eggs and Roasted Sweet Potatoes (I eat this 80% of the time)
Hard Boiled Egg whites (good for eating on the go)
Grain-Free Granola
Scrambled eggs and hash browns
Ham, Salami, Bacon, Sausage
Fruit: banana, kiwi, orange, grapes, pear, grapefruit

Snacks:
Apples with Peanut Butter and Raisins
Ants on a Log (my current obsession. I cannot get enough. It's like I'm five.)
Homemade hummus and sweet pea pods
Hard boiled egg
Prunes
Nuts
Popcorn
Yellow corn chips and Salsa
Sarah's corn salsa
Canned Fruit (when I'm dying for sugar...)
Ghirardelli dark baking chips
Chocolate Chex cereal
Flourless Chocolate cake at cupcake shop (for special occasions!)
Tea

Lunch:
Green Leaf Lettuce or Spinach Salad with Broccoli Slaw and nuts and dressing
Tuna Salad on lettuce
Chicken Salad on lettuce
BBQ meatballs
Soul Sisterhood Chicken
Turkey Kielbasa and Peppers and Onions
Skin-on hot dog with mustard and giardiniera
Chili
Pork Chops
Bok Choy Salad- no ramen

Supper:
I can usually eat what my family is eating in some modified way. Instead of spaghetti, I'll stuff a pepper with the sauce and meat.

A few things to note:
-Last time around I ate no dairy. But this time around I crave milk, so I'm going with it. I'll have dairy in moderation.
-I'm taking a multivitamin, vitamin c and vitamin d everyday.
-I will have some rice, but not even a serving. I also am fine eating potatoes. Mostly sweet potatoes.
-I have found a tea that I drink all. day. long. I'm off of caffeine and sleeping like a baby.

And I try to always have:
-a dozen hard boiled eggs
-grain-free granola in the fridge (for when I want chocolate, something munchy, or "cereal"
-roasted sweet potatoes, already roasted and in the fridge. Makes for fast breakfast prep.
-homemade hummus
-homemade mayonnaise (seriously, I'm losing weight...)
-Sarah's corn salsa

Again, all this is probably overkill. But I hope it's helpful to someone. The greatest part is that once you are off of carbs and sugar, you stop craving carbs and sugar. It can be a tricky three days to get there, but I do not crave those things anymore. That said, if I do have bread or a bar, it is like starting over from day one. My body wants more of that goodness, and it is a fight to get back to this place of non-craving. Which means it actually is not worth it to have a cheat-day, or to indulge just one time. I don't mean that to be legalistic, but it really means there is a three day battle to get back to my happy self.

I got the book Grain Brain from the library last weekend, and it's worth a skim. It's a more technical read for all that I am feeling. I personally didn't need to know so much science behind this eating plan. The proof in my mood, my energy, my outlook, my clarity, my productivity is enough for me. I know there are probably critics to this sort of eating, but when you find something that makes you feel so much better, it's going to be hard to convince me that caramel rolls, biscuits, scones, crackers, muffins, donuts, cereal, cake, bread, buns and bars are actually things I should add back in to my diet.

If you do give this a shot, let me know what you think. I'd be curious to know. :)

a grandparent and grandkid retreat in nebraska!

I'm heading back to Nebraska, and could not be more excited!!! Rory and I lived for two years in Nebraska while I worked at Nebraska Lutheran Outdoor Ministries located in Ashland, right between Omaha and Lincoln.

They were two awesome years at an incredible camp. It was a huge undertaking...each summer I recruited and helped select over 70 summer camp counselors. And then trained those camp counselors for the summer ahead. It was awesome work, and I loved the people surrounding me at that job. I had quality co-workers and met some really neat families connected to the camp.

So when I was asked if I'd like to come back to help lead the grandparent and grandchild retreat this spring, I was over the moon. Mostly, I can't wait to get back to see some dear friends that I haven't seen since we moved (just before Ivar was born! how does time go so fast?!)

And the retreat couldn't be cooler. It's going to be held on a Monday-Wednesday during the week of Spring Break. Grandparents are encouraged to bring their elementary-age grandchild(ren) for a few days of memory-making, story-sharing and quality time together. I will be leading this retreat with Pastor Lance Ferguson who serves at Spirit of Hope Lutheran in Lincoln and Amanda Silva, the retreat coordinator at the camp. The three of has have had a few conference calls to plan the whole retreat and each time I get off the phone higher than a kite. It's going to be an incredible three days.

If you're in the Nebraska area, or have parents who are, or siblings...send them my way! Especially if you are a parent with a kid in elementary school...call your in-laws or your folks and encourage them to take your kid off your hands for two nights of Easter Vacation! :)

And if you're in Minnesota, I have made the drive in 6.5 hours from Minneapolis to Omaha. (might have been driving a bit fast...) Accommodations are STUNNING (we're in The Swanson Center!) and the program will be excellent. You'll be glad you came.

The Schedule, Registration and more Details can be found by clicking here.

the grovestead: a year of projects in review

Rory started blogging this year, and has a whole lot to show for it. He's more sporadic than I am, but he has created really great content all around our second year of hobby farming. If you have a minute, click on over to The Grovestead, to see his super-cool year-end post. I knew he would set up our tallest ladder every so often, but I had no idea it was with the idea of capturing our garden all summer long. He missed a few months, but I can vouch that life was pretty busy...  Enjoy!

kid quotes

Ivar was so excited for his friends Lily and Clara to come for a play date, he set the table for them 24 hours before their arrival. He was meticulous about the seating arrangement, who got what color plate and spoon and spent a lot of time moving things around. So for 24 hours before Lily and Clara came, we ate at the card table. Because there was no way we were going to move those dishes set with such love and care.

***
Quotes I wrote down recently:
*Ivar said, "Hey Elsie, I'm going to eat this yogurt, not you. Because I need it to grow big and strong so that if you need to reach something, I can help you. Okay, so that's why this last yogurt is mine."

*Ivar yelled in the Target parking lot "Elsie! If you don't hold Mama's hand a car will hit you and your skin will rip off and you'll be red forever. Do you want to be red forever? No!"

*Ivar told Rory while getting ready in the morning: "If I was in the toilet and you were going poopy and flushed the toilet, I would go to heaven!"

*Grandma Groves died in December. She was our last living grandparent between Rory and me. Her life story is epic, and we talked a lot about why daddy went to California with his brothers and mom and dad for her funeral. As a result, a lot of conversations were had about death and Jesus.
Ivar: I don't want to die. Ever.
Becca: Oh Ivar, are you thinking about that? You don't have to worry about that. Ever. Because we love Jesus we will live forever.
Ivar: Mom, I just.... I just... I just want two buns with mayonnaise on them!

what 'presence' looks like

On January 30th I sat down during nap time and wrote out what I think applying my one-little-word, Presence, looks like. And I came up with four goals related to this word:
          -Enjoy God's Presence
          -Listen to my husband with better attention, pray together at night
          -Be present for my kids
          -Recognize my own presence: am I hurried or peaceful

And then I made another list. I titled it:
           Life really would be better if I:
          -moved the laptop upstairs and kept it there
          -checked facebook only weekly
          -did my exercise dvd with some regularity
          -woke up for a quiet time before the kids
          -went to bed/took a bath around 9:30
          -ate Paleo again
          -played more with art stuff
          -read more during the day, not just at night

I sat there, decided it was a good list and knew I had to move my laptop upstairs right that moment. Not even wait until the 1st. Facebook is my greatest hurdle for being present to my own life. I don't have it on my phone, just my laptop. So I moved the computer up to the playroom. The next morning, as I made chili, I became acutely aware of how addicted I have become. Because all throughout the meal prep I wandered over to the corner of the counter that used to hold my laptop. And I wasn't sure why I was there.

I was like a lost puppy who had trained herself to check her facebook as a reward to unloading the top of the dishwasher. To check her instagram when she finished unloading the silverware holder. To google recipe questions, and since she was there, check her email (and facebook and instagram), and often forget entirely why she hopped back on her computer in the first place. I was addicted. And it was comical and sad to see the physical manifestation of this addiction as I made our chili. Time and again I'd find myself standing my the microwave, confused as to why I was there.

But facebook is a sneaky little devil, and I know that even a physical change wasn't going to relieve me of facebook the way I know I need to be rescued. So I asked Rory to change my password with the plan that he will log me in one time on the weekend and I can get caught up on all the animal videos, divisive 5-reasons-why articles and occasional actual life updates that I can handle.

These computer boundaries are huge for me. And I'm excited at the thought of a less-distracted, more-focused, present life.

I've lived with no facebook plan for a few days now, and what is most interesting is how bored I feel. I'm trying not to dismiss it and trying really hard to creatively fill it. Already I've been reading during the day. My workout video is an actual time filler between lunch and nap time/quiet play time. I've even gotten out my art journal and doodled the little picture above while the kids watercolor painted. There are moments I miss the convenience of feeling so connected, but even a few days in, my days feel filled with more intention. And that feels way better.

an ice globe!

I've been playing some more with the ice luminaries. If you live anywhere where the thermometer dips below 32, you've got to give this a shot. I can't explain how satisfying it is to make something so pretty out of a season that is so seriously cold. I had told my nieces that when life gives you sub zero temperatures, you make ice globes. My sister-in-law Sara called these luminaries 'a protest of beauty' and that is exactly how I feel about them. It feels so right to be making something awesome out of this very cold weather.

So the first time I tried making an ice globe, I got bowls, because half of the balloon was insulated in the snow. It wasn't what I was going for, but I loved them. They were magical all lit up at night. But I still wanted to attempt the dome thing. So this time I filled a huge water ballon again and set it on a kitchen tray out in the driveway.

I set it out there for four hours at -5 degrees. And when I came back I could feel that it was solid enough to cut open. I'll have to get this next part on video because it was so awesome, but when I cut into the balloon that little air pocket at the top (visible in the first picture of the purple balloon above) spurted like a fountain, and all of the water inside gushed out. The balloon slinked back and the rest of the water inside the ice (that hadn't frozen yet) fell out of the bottom.

But I knew I had a success, because I had a globe, and a chimney! I hadn't been able to figure out how I was going to drill a hole into the top of the dome for the candle to breathe, but that little tiny bit of air left in the water balloon when I filled it was enough to make the ice in that top spot that much weaker, so that the water chose to burst out right there.

I have a dream of lining our driveway or something with a whole bunch of these. Or a tiered little art piece? If we had a deck, I'd line the rail. Or...build a Chili Snow Fort around the picnic table with these lighting the meal. Could you imagine?!!

an ode to the mothers of wintertime

On Sunday I was running into Fleet Farm behind Rory and Ivar. I had Elsie on the hip, my purse and a caribou coffee. Elsie kept sliding down because our poof jackets are both so slippery. And as I hobbled towards the store, waving with my coffee to the car that stopped for me, I had this swell of Minnesota pride. I thought, “dang. we are seriously tough in this state.” My cheeks were frozen, Elsie was gasping for air and we finally made it into the warm store. I must have made some sort of whooping sound, because people were looking at me when I walked in. I smiled and wanted to celebrate with them, "Hello! I made it!"

Rory and Ivar were already pushing through the aisles, and Elsie insisted she sit in the big part of our cart. She quickly took off her boots, coat, hat, hair bow and made herself at home. And it was then that I discovered that a kids boot, up in the front basket snug between a big purse and the side of the cart, makes for a perfectly stable coffee cup holder.

There are some things only the mothers of wintertime know. Discovering this kids-boot-turned-coffee-cozy made me feel like I had found yet another secret survival skill for these bitter cold days.

Then today I put a picture up on Instagram of our barn, nearly invisible at 2 pm because of the blizzard that was happening in our farm yard. We get awesome drifts here because there is no grove where the main barn used to be. The wind was incredible, and just as I posted this picture, someone posted a picture of their feet in flip flops out for a walk with their kid in a stroller.

The two images side by side struck me dumb. For I haven't been out of the house since Sunday, the day we went to Fleet Farm. I've been hibernating, attempting to do my workout video with two eager exercise helpers ("mom, you're supposed to touch your toes. like she does it."), cooking stew, creamy pastas and soup. Seeing this other picture reminded me that some people raise their children in milder climates. Some people take their kids for walks wearing flip flops on January 8th.

But then I remembered the lesson from Sunday, and came to one helpful conclusion: you can't make a coffee-cozy out of a flip flop.

Add that to the pros list of living in the snowy-blowy land of winter.

Obviously none of this is meant to discredit any mom raising their kids in warmer climates. Motherhood is a ride no matter what the weather. I'm just here to say for the record: the mothers of wintertime are tough stuff.

part 2: brightening the night

There is more to the story about the night we delivered thank you notes for beautiful christmas light displays. And it was only after I was telling my friends Jon and Ali that I realized how worthy of a second blog post that night actually was.

Because it actually went down like this. The second house we stopped at had it's curtains pulled, but I was spotted walking to the door. So I felt obligated to ring the doorbell, lest they think I'm creepy. Everyone inside yelled, "Come in! It's open! Come on in!" I think they thought I was someone else. When I did open the door I had to talk fast because there was a dad on the couch getting his hair gelled in every direction by three middle school girls. He said, "Like my hair?" And the boys on the couch all laughed. I had walked into some family gathering of cousins and kids and a dad with awesome hair. And then I had to explain myself, "Hi. I'm out with my kids tonight and they loved your christmas lights, so we wrote this little note..." They were gracious and I was quick to exit.

I got back to the car and told Rory about the cousin party and he was growing in his own discomfort of this whole thank you note idea. He said, "you can't ring the doorbell. Just tape the note and leave."

So the next house I did that. But again I was spotted, so by the time I got back to the car, the lady had her body half out her front door, "Can I help you?!!" "Oh, right. I just taped a little thank you note for your pretty christmas lights. I'm out with my family and my kids really loved your big tree..."

The next house I was ready. I would tape and leave. Tape it and leave.

This house was close to ours, out in the country. It was kind of a cabin style house with a driveway that made a horse shoe all the way around the back side. I walked to the front door, closest to the road. But it seemed more like a back porch. Rory agreed and drove me to the back of the house, where we saw a little patio that led to sliding glass doors. I got out, walked onto the patio and knocked on the glass.

And then I processed what my eyes were seeing.

I was gazing into a master bedroom. The closet was wide open. And so was the master bathroom, where a woman stood in panty hoes and a shirt, curling her hair.

A huge dog was barking on the other side of the sliding door and an adult daughter was trying to wrestle it into the hallway to close it out so she could open the door to let me in.

And I just had to stand there, processing all that I was peeping into, while slowly acknowledging in my head, "Rory was so right. He was so right. Tape it and Leave." But there I was.

The daughter opened the door and the mom came to the door too. And I started up my sorry story, "Hi, my kids and I are out for a drive looking at christmas lights, and they love yours on your house and wanted you to have this award..."

I used the word award. Because it seemed a bigger deal, necessitating my standing on their back patio that looked into their bedroom on a dark winters night.

And maybe it was because she was in her nylons getting ready for a fun party, or maybe it was because my pitch was so awkward, or maybe it was because she just wanted me off of her deck, but this lady acted so grateful and pleased at the award she had just won. By my two and four year old.

I got in the car and told Rory to, "drive. now. please."

And he didn't laugh nearly as hard as I did. His discomfort was palpable.

But I still got one more house out of him. We drove up to a dark house, except for the stunning outline in colorful lights all around the roof lines. I walked up to the unlit front door, confident no one was home. And as I taped the envelope to the door of this isolated country front door, the large dog that I hadn't noticed woke up beside me, stood tall and started to sniff me out. And I graciously explained to him, "I'm just leaving this award on your door, because we like your lights and I'm going to leave, see, I'm leaving, so..."

And then I told Rory we could call it a night.

Oh we have laughed about this. I still stand by this idea as a quality one. It's got some kinks to be sure, but I still think it's novel and fun.

And now when we drive past the house with the horse shoe driveway Rory tells us all to, "wave to mrs. pantyhose, kids!"

my 2015 one-little-word

It's my favorite way to start a new year. To pick one little word to focus on all year long. Last year I chose the word Anticipation, recognizing my role in making fun events to anticipate on the calendar. It was another long winter and I was able to see how my choices and plans and creativity led to fun events, outings and things to look forward to.

The funny thing is that I wasn't mindful of my word hardly at all this year. I even had to look it up to see what it was. But looking back over the past year we did a lot that created a lot of Anticipation. We held lots of big events at The Grovestead: a tree tapping party, honeyfest, a wiener roast, a corn feed, a few work days and countless picnics. We went on two vacations this summer, one to Mount Carmel and one to the North Shore. We had lots of exciting deliveries to anticipate: honey bees, apple trees, a wood stove, blueberry bushes, a tractor, baby chicks, two little kittens (though they were not anticipated! A total surprise!)

But all in all, Anticipation was a great word for the year. We lived it. There were few dull moments. And 2014 was filled with people, projects and productivity.

My one-little-word for 2015 was very slow in coming, but I landed on a good one. And I think this word has the power to change me from the inside out.

For Christmas, my mom gave me the book Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. For years I have had people rave about this book and how much it has changed them, to the point of annoyance. For real. I had become sort of skeptical just based on the crazy following this book had. But this summer, while in the Mount Carmel bookstore with my mom, I picked it up, told her about all the people who have told me to read it, and she asked if I wanted it for Christmas. So six months later, I opened it up.

And every day since I have been opening to the next page for a short little note written based on scripture, in the voice of Jesus, telling me all the truths and realities written in his word that are for me. It is like taking a deep inhale of oxygen.

I have become one of the crazy fans of this book. And if I had money unending, I'd send you a copy right to your doorstep.

The subtitle of the book is "Enjoying Peace in His Presence."

And I suppose that phrase could be my one-little-word. Because that is my goal.

I think I've written about all of these things before, but I'm going to say them all again, because they're my struggles that don't seem to go away. I always wonder if I'm doing enough. I have friends I went to the seminary with who are mothers and pastors and somehow make that work. And I'm in awe, and on hard days envious of their outlet to preach and teach. But in all honesty, I don't feel called to that vocation right now. I have friends who have great jobs and sometimes I envy the thought of a workplace and a lunch break.

This is a super sensitive subject because all moms make their own decisions based on thousands of variables unique to their own situation. But I'm just here to say from where I stand, it is also hard to be a stay-at-home mom, wondering if I should be doing more. Especially because every book written on motherhood is by a mom with a platform. Someone who somehow had enough time to write a book. And go on a speaking circuit. And speak at seminars. There are countless blogs and instagram feeds devoted to goal setting, living your life fully, executing huge projects. And it becomes hard to believe that just staying at home with my kids, putting one foot in front of the other, is enough.

I get itchy in my skin wondering, "should I open an etsy shop? should I start a podcast? will I fall behind if I don't build a brand, a following, an audience?" And I only wonder those things because those options are visibly lived out on the blogs I read and feeds I follow.

So those words: Enjoying Peace in His Presence feel like a wave of freedom. It feels like a little side door exit to leave the crazy mind-games of 'Am I doing enough?' And says instead, 'You are enough.'

This year, my one little word has less to do with doing, and much more to do with being. Being present. Feeling God's presence. Enjoying his Peace when I'm feeling insecure and wondering if I'm living my life fully enough. Recognizing His Presence in every part of my life. To feel filled up by God daily.

I expect that with these intentions 2015 will be a year of personal revival. It has to be, because the Bible promises that when you're drawing near to God he'll draw near to you. And I want him near to me. Filling me with the Peace of his Presence. If you want to join me, click here to get your copy of Jesus Calling. It's $10 and so, so good.

ice luminaries

I had my sister's three girls for an overnight on Monday. And since they are my most supportive side-kicks for any project I suggest, we tend to get crafty. Our time together usually starts with a little browse through pinterest deciding what we are going to do, make, build or sew. 

But this time I got my idea from a newspaper article my mom had cut out for me. It showed these ice globes and told enough of the how-to's that I knew we had-to. We ran to Target and bought the balloons, came back home and started our project by filling up 20 very large water balloons at the kitchen sink. A perfect project for a very enthused group of girls.

I loaded up two big storage tubs and took them outside in the -8 degree night. One by one, I lifted each balloon and placed it on the snow. The plan was for them to freeze all the way around, from the outside in. But I had no idea snow is such a tremendous insulator! Five hours later, in sub zero weather, the bottoms of the balloons still had not frozen.

But I was frozen. And I wasn't going to stay up any later watching water freeze. So, working very quickly, I cut the balloon off  the top of the frozen dome, and let the water gush out the bottom, flipped it over and found I had a bowl.

The next morning it was even colder and Mara and I worked hard moving the bowls to the picnic table and placing tea lights in the middle. We actually had to go inside a few times to warm up our legs...it was brutal. But totally worth it!

I'm inspired and excited to keep experimenting. Maybe I'll put the balloons on the driveway, and see if they freeze all the way around. I'm not sure. But I do love having a new winter hobby that brightens these long, cold nights!