christmastime is here

My friend Allyson recently mentioned that she wished we could always have a tree in our houses. That it adds so much and the lighting is so pretty at night. I totally agree. So we discussed large, large plants/trees that could be up all year. It's true, my house is never quite as pretty as it is at Christmas. And in this picture it actually looks put together. Don't be fooled though...this was just because I had friends coming over for brunch and the house was picked up. Usually all of those Christmas books, ornaments, nativity people and pillows are strewn everywhere. As they are right this minute. But company is always so great because it ensures that at least for one half of a day, everything is put in its place. Obviously I took a picture.

In the last ten days I have been to two cookie swapping parties, attended a favorite things party, hosted a favorite things party, attended a white elephant swap, had a date with Rory to our town's winter block party, gone on a christmas light drive with the kids (ending with Elsie saying, "mom, can we please go home now?" Ha!), and celebrated Advent each night by singing carols by candle light.

And the number of cookies I have consumed would blow your mind. Cookies are my favorite of all the sweets, and this is the season when cookies get top billing. I'm fine with it.

All that's missing from this stunning picture is the snow out those windows! It has been such a crazy year of weather, but I cannot complain. I love it. I have three kids to buckle into the backseat of our jeep, and it takes some patience. Every day of the warmer weather I have thought, "this is fine by me."

In other news, I got a dust buster to suck up all of the random Asian Beetles that STILL are crawling around the house. I feel like I had a good attitude about them in the fall. Even though we were positively plagued with them seven different times. But now that they are out of season, I have had enough and nothing feels better than sucking them up and then plugging the dust buster with a napkin so they can't crawl out again. Anyway, Ivar has discovered A PASSION for dust busting. He cannot get enough. And it made me think, if you still have a 4, 5 or 6 year old on your list to buy for, you really should consider a dust buster. It might seem odd when they open it, but once put to use everyone will realize your present was the best one of all.

our first lucia morning

I knew I couldn't wake Elsie up to be Santa Lucia. Waking Elsie never, ever goes well. So I was waiting in the hall when I heard Ivar say to her in a grumpy voice, "Elsie! You have to get out of here so you can give me cookies for breakfast!"

I made Rory get back into our bed, even though he had already fed the chickens, made his coffee and was reading downstairs. Elsie did finally come out of her room, but did not want to put the candles on her head or put the gown on. I thought this year was possibly going to be a wash until I heard Rory's gruff morning voice, "Elsie. You don't get to eat a cookie if you don't put the candles on your head."

Cookies won.

It wasn't quite the hallmark moment I had imagined, but it still turned out okay. Ivar pretended that he was sleeping and in the end Elsie rose to the occasion.

I told Rory, "I'd give our first Lucia Day four out of five candles."

And then we went to church and they had Lucia Buns from the really yummy bakery in town that is only open on Saturday and Sundays! They were so good and I was pleased to have my first Lucia Bun.

be kind to yourself

Last night when I was up to feed Hattie, I was rehashing a gathering and started to regret how much I had talked wishing I had shut my mouth more often. This happens to me...sort of a later regret for telling too many stories, talking more than listening.

So I put Hattie back down and got out my laptop to write an apology email, ready to write and say I was sorry for...talking so much.

But when I opened my gmail, I found an email from another friend who had been to my house recently. She wasn't at the gathering I was going to apologize for, she had just been over for a play date. And in her email she apologized for talking so much.

Oh women. We are so hard on ourselves. I read her email and was so shocked she would write it. Never once had I thought she was talking too much. In fact, she left and I felt so grateful for the time with her to actually get to hear what was happening in her life.

I sat looking at the new message I had pulled up to write my apology email and decided against it. Because after really thinking about it, I think I was just beating myself up. It's okay that I talk. It's great that I listen. It's fun to be with other people. It's fun to share stories. It's okay to be kind to myself.

The song above is on Andrew Peterson's new album, The Burning Edge of Dawn. If I could buy you all this CD and send it to you for Christmas, I would. It's so good. But since I can't do that, enjoy the song above. And be kind to yourself.

december update

November ended and left the first snowfall. The first snow is always so fun and exciting. I made a great effort to get the kids out each day, which seems to bring a whole lot of drama.  Ivar has serious trouble coping with any fabric that bunches up...you may remember he was only one when he coined the term Sockie Boo Boo, a word that is as understood as any other. He hates wearing socks because of the bumps. He hates when his sleeves aren't completely flat under his coat. And you can only imagine how upsetting snow pants are. My new goal for the winter is to get everyone bundled and outside without any meltdowns. It's a lofty goal

But we are good Minnesotans, so we press on and push through the tears. Even when Elsie insists on wearing her Prairie bonnet instead of a winter hat. We can roll with that.

I taught my kids the game Fox and Goose, a game my mom played with us when I was little. You make an 8-slice pie with your feet and then play tag within the track. If you step out of the track you're "it." So you're either running around the circle or cutting into one of the spokes, and often get trapped. Ivar mostly liked following me and making the track. And Elsie mostly liked pretending she was a kitty "who loves to eat snow." In the end she taught us a game called "Kneel to Kneel" and then we all pretended we were kitties eating snow.

Our house has been in a constant state of christmas clutter. Every night requires a whole lot of tidy time. But everything is getting put to good use. The whole cast of the nativity story has been for many stroller rides, the tree skirt has been found to make great forts and ornaments come on and off the tree all day long. So far only one angel has lost her head, and one glass ornament shattered on the tile. Not bad for eight days in...

My mom has told me that my brother Mat always used to dress me up as a baby. So when I found Hattie like this, I felt very pleased. And made Ivar pose for a picture.

We had our friend Tony from church over for lunch this week and he told about how for a while he was a cowboy in South Dakota in charge of a huge herd of bulls. He told the kids stories of needing to use a lasso..and the kids were thrilled at the thought of a bull stuck in soupy mud. He left and they came down dressed like this, ready to play cowboy the rest of the day.

And the next day was Grandma Margaret's birthday so she and dad came to town to get her free hoagie followed by a trip to the cupcake shop. It was a delicious trip and a great way to celebrate. It's been a good start to our December!

christmas carol cards

I believe it was last Christmas when I was in the car listening to "Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away..." when I decided it was finally time to make these Christmas Carol Cards. Because that song is the worst. And Christmastime is supposed to be filled with the best.

So I had the same awesome artist who designed my blog do the artwork for ten of my favorite carols, a few that are hardly sung anymore, even in church. And a few that I wish I knew more than the first verse. 

And then when we were waiting for Harriet to come, Rory helped me set up an Etsy shop! What a great use of all that time! You can purchase digital downloads (you print them on your own) of each song individually or as a collection at a reduced price.

I wrote on the site: 

I started making Hymn Cards when I had my first child, wanting to be able to sing the great hymns of faith over him, while having the lyrics visible and accessible. I set them on a stand next to the rocker in his nursery and now he knows 12 songs that Christians have sung for centuries.

These Christmas Carol Cards were created with the same intention. I want my kids to hear the words to these songs, to recognize the lyrics, and to remember my voice singing these sweet carols to them. 

Of course these are not just for moms to sing to their kids. My hope is that they may be hung as art, displayed on a mantel or placed in a frame. Or sung during a personal quiet time, slowing down enough to remember the actual reason we celebrate each December.

You'll notice these Christmas Carol Cards are a bit different than your typical word art. Rather than just a phrase or a sentence, these Carol Cards have all the words to the entire song. That's because my hope is that you read all the words, and sing all the lyrics. These carols are packed with reminders of why we celebrate the birth of Jesus, as well as reminders of the real story we cling to during this season.

I hope you love them like I do. And that you use them, and sing these songs that have stood the test of time. You can find my etsy shop here. The original Hymn Cards, created for kids rooms and nursery's are also in the shop as a digital download set. Happy Singing!

Santa Lucia

Gather round all you aunties and mama's and grandma's and people with little girls in your life. I've got a sweet gift idea for you.

Every year on December 13th, my cousin Kristin posts pictures of her oldest daughter all dressed up as Santa Lucia and serving her family cookies and hot chocolate for breakfast in bed. The pictures are adorable and as a good Swede I've been waiting patiently to get to do the same with my daughter one day.

A little background:
St Lucia was a young Christian girl who was martyred, killed for her faith, in 304AD. The most common story told about St Lucia is that she would secretly bring food to the persecuted Christians in Rome, who lived in hiding in the catacombs under the city. 

I found that paragraph written on this site, and there is lots more to read there if you're interested... And this was written on the Gustavus website:

According to Swedish legend, a ship carrying a maiden "clothed in white and crowned with light" appeared on the shore in Värmland during a great famine. The maiden, widely believed to be Lucia, distributed food and clothing to the needy, thus endearing herself to the Swedish people.

To celebrate Lucia and remember her generous giving and servant heart, daughters all over Sweden get up early on the morning of December 13th and serve their family wearing the traditional outfit.

So last year I decided to put together a few Lucia Kits for Elsie and my nieces Ruby, Nellie and Svea. And I want to share where I got all of it, so that you, too, could order all of this and have it ready by December 13th!

First, I found a really sweet book, Lucia Morning in Sweden, that explains the tradition nicely for little kids. I read it three times yesterday to my kids, so clearly it's a fun book for them as well as a good teaching about the holiday. Then I ordered the white robes from Oriental Trading. I got the red ribbon from JoAnn's and then found the candle head piece online as well. (And don't forget to get 5 AA batteries!)

Here's the list of what I got for my Lucia Kit with a few links for where you can order them from:
Lucia Morning in Sweden
White Robe (they have a few different sizes...)
Red Ribbon
Candle Crown
5 AA Batteries
Cookies or Lucia Buns (Lussekatter) or Ginger Snaps (Pepparkakor) The recipes for these are in the back of the children's book.

Elsie is excited to be "Princess Lucia." Ivar is very excited to get to eat cookies for breakfast. And I am the most excited to begin this tradition in our home! I got to be Santa Lucia at Gustavus when I was a sophomore. It was a sweet honor and I still am thankful my head didn't catch fire as I read the Bible during chapel with five lit candles on my head.

There also is a song that goes with the day and since I was in the Lucia Singers choir in college, I even know the song in Swedish. My kids like it as a lullaby and I like that I can sing it while reading the book to them.

I hope this idea gets some of you excited out there. It's such a fun family tradition and over the years I believe it will lead to so many good conversations: would you ever die for your faith? how can we live our lives with a generous and giving heart? what does it feel like to serve and be served? how do you think God has called you to be a light? I can't wait for those bigger conversations. Until then we'll just eat cookies for breakfast!

our christmas card

You may remember last Christmas when tinyprints contacted me to use some of their product. I ordered adorable stationary that I made into Thank You notes for houses in our town that had impressive Christmas light displays. Go back and read this blog post again if you're needing a laugh today. It's one of my favorite stories, full of awkwardness and good intention.

This year I opted for a more traditional order from tinyprints: their holiday cards. To get to work with this company pleased me to no end because it seems the cards I receive each December that have me flipping them over to see where they came from always come from tinyprints. They make lovely cards.

I spent one quick afternoon scanning all of the choices for Christmas cards, found the one picture of the five of us where I have my hair down since Harriet was born, and just like that, I had my Christmas cards ordered. It was so easy and I am so grateful to have such lovely cards to send out this year. 

And, as luck would have it, when I just set up the link to the tinyprints site, I saw that Christmas Cards are 50% off for cyber Monday. Hooray for a sale!

Now if only writing Harriet's thank you notes was as easy as ordering our Christmas card...

thankful for...

Today (I actually wrote this Friday...) I was in the kitchen and Ivar asked me to come and play a game with him. I sat down by the fireplace and started to roll the dice when Elsie yelled at me from the steps. I had told her that I would play Princess Carousel with her, a game where we sit on the steps and look through the banister rails pretending we are princesses. On a carousel. At the same moment Rory turned his laptop towards me and wanted me to watch a video of black friday stampedes with people behaving poorly and then the baby started crying from her bouncy seat.

And in that moment I had all four of my family members needing my attention. All four of them were within my sight all vying for me in some way and instead of feeling bothered, it made me feel happy. Because it was good. It is good to feel needed. And it was good because none of their demands were actually that demanding. Playing and pretending and watching and holding are all needs that are easily met. So today being needed made me feel thankful.

Later on in the day that same being needed thing made me feel agitated. Which means it was a typical day with a good mix of challenge and blessing. But way more blessing. And for each one of these awesome people in my daily life who need me and want me, I am very, very grateful.

a little family update

This week Elsie has been very into playing Lake Geneva / Mount Carmel. It's a mix of both places where we pretend we're at Bible Camp, and mostly we pretend we're sleeping on a bunk bed and then wake up to a bell and put our swim suits on to build sand castles. (And she thinks her winter hat from when she was a baby fits her "just perfect!")

Ivar spent much of his week working odd jobs to earn money for Blade, a toy helicopter from a movie he likes. He had $6 from his birthday and needed $4 to have enough to get Blade. Last week he lamented, "I want quarters, I just don't want to clean things to get them!" But that's how it works. He stopped working jobs for a few days, but this week he found the fire in his belly again and after putting the silverware away lots of times, cleaning the living room and gathering sticks in a bucket for our fire place, he finally earned enough.

Harriet had some tummy issues this week that kept us up a lot. And then we both got colds which is a bummer. I thought many times about how I had written that she is an easy baby, and how the last week was anything but easy. Funny how that happens. But last night she skipped a feeding, sleeping from 10-4 and I am hoping and praying that this might just become a thing. (Though she has slept most of today with her stuffy nose, and I've let her because I want her to feel better, so we'll see how tonight goes...but maybe it's a thing!) (Nope. Not a thing. We were up a lot last night...she can't breathe through her nose and this is very frustrating for her...)

Rory spent the last few weeks working late into the night. His work is like this...it ebbs and flows. And this season has proven to demand lots of hours. But he's been building a fire most days for us, which tends to keep everyone in a good mood.

And I have been reading books again, which feels so good. I read the three books I checked out at the library: Pioneer Woman's Black Heels to Tractor Wheels, her love story memoir where she writes a lot about her husband's large biceps. It was cute and funny. I read The Fringe Hours, which I didn't love. I thought I would, but there was much that was hard to relate to.  And I'm just wrapping up Scary Close, Donald Miller's latest book. And I'm loving this one. It's fast and full of stories and I always put the book down connecting his story to my own. I love that. 

So there's the update. Today we're starting to decorate the house for Christmas. I always have this hope to decorate in some orderly way where the house doesn't look like a bomb exploded after we get the boxes out of the garage. But my little elves are excited and even though I tried, I could not stop the christmas chaos from spreading all over every inch of my house. It will all find a home and hook, but until then my house looks more frenzied than festive. And it's okay. It is really okay. And I'll just keep telling that to myself until I actually feel okay about it...

neighborhood baby shower

Most of our neighbors have lived on this road for over three decades. We are the new kids on the block but have been welcomed in with love and kindness. This past Saturday our neighbor, Mary, hosted a baby shower for Harriet and nearly everyone on our road came for the brunch and gift opening. I was so grateful for this sweet time together. Harriet was showered with love and slept the whole time. (You can see her there on the couch in the forefront, being held by the woman who we bought our farm house from...now a friend who lives in town.)

Mary made homemade caramel rolls, egg bake, cheesy potatoes, scones, banana bread coffee cake, pumpkin muffins, an almond pastry, fruit salad and punch. Everything was from scratch and I ate my heart out. And then she sent a box home with us full of the leftovers and I ate my heart out some more.

I left feeling so grateful that my kids have neighbors that love and care for them and will look out for us. There is a contentment found in knowing your community and investing in your neighbors that can't be beat and I believe it is how God intended it from the beginning.

picture update: from the camera

I have been trying to catch as much of our every day on camera as possible. Some of these made it onto instagram, but not all of them. This was from Tuesday, when Hattie started smiling and I wanted to capture her grin so badly. This was the first smile I got...obstructed by Elsie, holding my phone, taking a picture of her eye. Ha!

Lately our days consist of a whole lot of legos. We play and build all day long. Elsie was so proud when she made a lego pacifier! (Not for Harriet!) I figure we have 4-6 months before Harriet starts to crawl and put things in her mouth, so we'll play hard with the legos now.

 Oh sweetness. I am suddenly very sleepy.

Elsie always seems to be a little bit more interested in holding Harriet than Harriet is interested in being held by Elsie. In this shot, Elsie is putting a plastic ziplock on Harriet's head. We never walk away when they're having sister time.

I just found her this way! I believe she was telling me it was time to change her diaper.

More sister time...

And this happens too. Rory read my 6 week update and commented that he doesn't think Hattie is all that easy of a baby, as I had written. So to clarify: Hattie cries like all babies. But her needs can be met quickly. There is a reason for her crying. I consider that an easy baby. A hard baby would be one that cries for chunks of time and is inconsolable. That's a hard baby. Also, I am feeling good and upbeat. You never know what kind of postpartum mood you're going to be in after a baby. But this time around my mood is content and happy. Which colors how I see my baby too. So I still would call her an easy baby, but rest assured, she cries, she gets frustrated and she wakes up every two and a half to three hours each night with needs just like every other baby! And I am tuckered out! But I'm tuckered and happy. Which works for me.

lasagna soup

Monday my mother-in-law came to help me out and watch the kids, and it was awesome. The first thing I did was take a shower and put on a real outfit. Then I made a meal plan for the week...the first time I have done this since Harriet has arrived. I followed it up by making a grocery list and then I went grocery shopping by myself. It was a dreamy day.

I got home, put the groceries away and closer to suppertime I made this soup.

Yum. O. It is a keeper.

It was easy and fairly quick to make. It was delicious. And since I am one who typically doesn't enjoy coming up with suppertime ideas, I thought I'd pass it along to you.

Lasagna Soup
8 ounces elbows pasta (or any soup spoon size pasta)
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 pound Italian sausage (found by the hamburger)
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 onion, diced
2 teaspoons oregano
1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
2 tablespoons tomato paste
6 cups chicken stock (I used 8 cups because that's two boxes)
1 (28-ounce) can fire roasted diced tomatoes (I used regular...it's what I had)
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper, to taste
1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
1/4 cup fresh basil leaves, chiffonade
For the ricotta mixture
8 ounces ricotta (I used some cottage cheese too...)
1/2 cup grated Parmesan
Salt and Pepper, to taste

*Heat olive oil in a Dutch oven or large pot over medium high heat. Add Italian sausage to the skillet and cook until browned, about 3-5 minutes, making sure to crumble the sausage as it cooks; drain excess fat. Add garlic, onion, oregano and red pepper flakes. Cook, stirring frequently, until onions have become translucent, about 2-3 minutes. Stir in tomato paste until well combined, about 1 minute. Stir in chicken stock, diced tomatoes and bay leaves; season with salt and pepper, to taste. Bring to a boil; reduce heat and simmer until slightly thickened, about 30 minutes.

*In a small bowl, combine ricotta, parmesan, salt and pepper, to taste; set aside. Cut the basil really thin, set aside.

*In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook pasta one minute less than the package instructions say for al dente; strain and run under cold water, set aside. I never mix my noodles in with the whole batch of soup. They get too mushy. I assemble each bowl, adding noodles separately. It means I have the soup frozen right now without the noodles. I'll cook noodles when I pull out that tub of soup...

Assemble each bowl with the tomato soup, noodles and a small spoonful of the ricotta mixture (we got overzealous the first bowl and it was too rich!), some mozzarella and basil.

It's so good! Enjoy!

hattie at 6 weeks.

I've been waiting for a smile! And yesterday I got smiles all day long! Since I'm motivated by affirmation, I am feeling greatly encouraged!

I'd sum up this baby by simply saying: Hattie is a delight. She is pretty calm on the whole, which is very nice of her. And loves to cuddle. When I go to burp her, she tucks her legs in like a little ball and rests her head on my shoulder in the sweetest snuggle. There are lots of times in the middle of the night when we fall asleep like this in the glider rocker. I have a hard time putting her back in her crib when she is so, so snuggly. In the early morning I'll bring her into our bed and lay her on my chest. And she will inch her way up so that her head is tucked right under my chin. She is a sweetheart and I love her to pieces.

Her sleeping has been remarkable being a newborn and all. The big exception would be this past weekend when I had chocolate in some cookies I made, and felt the consequences. She was gassy each  night, sleeping for maybe 45 minute stretches... if I was lucky. We had two nights of this and I was reminded of what true delirium feelings like. What it's like to literally not be able to see straight because I was so tired. And the power of a strong cup of coffee, a brisk walk outdoors (I took three on Sunday) and a fast shower to wake back up.

She sucks on her pacifier like Maggie Simpson sucked on hers. Except that Harriet has trouble keeping hers in her mouth. She sucks in and out with such vigor that it often falls out... which is very frustrating for her. So I will hold the pacifier in her mouth and when I do this, she wraps her fingers around my pinky and pointer fingers. Oh I love that so much.

This third baby is a joy. I feel way more seasoned than with the first. And way more settled than with the second. This time around I am just taking in the snuggles, saying no to a lot of outings and opportunities, and feeling quite content about our every day.

We named you well, little Hattie. You are a complete joy.

family book club

My favorite blogs to read are the ones that inspire me to action. I like the DIY blogs where they post projects that I can actually do myself, or art blogs that aren't just pretty to look at but motivate me to get out my own art supplies. And my very favorite are the mothering blogs that make me want to work hard at this most important job. The ones where I think, "I want to do that in my house too."

Some blogs inspire. Some blogs make me feel like I'll never catch up.

My hope is that this is a blog that inspires. And it's why I'm sharing this next idea. Because when I find something that works in our routine I want to shout it from the mountaintops.

Family Book Club began a few weeks ago when the weather got a bit chilly. We got rid of our television last April which didn't really impact us because the weather was turning nice and we started spending our life outdoors again. The impact of not having a tv didn't really hit until that second cold night when Rory looked at me and said, "so what's the plan with the kids from after dinner to bedtime? because we've got to do something with them." And it was true. When we're home all day the final hour stretch can really drag on. Most tricks and toys have been used.

We talked about this idea, and after three weeks of finessing, I think we've got it. And I want to share how it works with you:

1. The name. I think it's so important to name a shared activity. This is true for Quiet Play Time and Family Movie Night. The kids know exactly what those names mean and what to expect during those times. The same is true with this. They know the drill now when we say it's Family Book Club.

2. We have a bin of books that are out all the time (you can see those to the left of the couch). But for Family Book Club we have a tupperware (with a lid!) full of library books that are only to be read during this time. This is key! These are different books from the same old same old. They are books they chose at the library themselves (They each pick 5 books and I pick 5 books...I try to find fun picture books). And best of all, it keeps all of our library books in one place! Praisealuja!

3. At the beginning of Family Book Club Ivar and Elsie choose one book from the bin that we will read aloud. So I read those two books, and then they have to "read" on their own. Which means they look at the pictures and make up their own words. It is adorable to watch. Ivar can stick with it. Elsie sometimes needs to find another quiet activity towards the end. Totally depends on the night.

4. Rory and I have to read too. So far we've been the weakest link. Usually one of us sits there and reads our book, but the actual problem is that suddenly the kids are totally occupied and this frees us to do something else. Which is absolutely not the point, but people, our kids our occupied! And of course, Harriet sometimes isn't into Family Book Club, which can change things up a bit too.

5. And we don't have a set time limit. Usually it goes until bedtime, usually about 20-30 minutes. But it depends on how it's going. I doubt we'll ever set a timer. I don't want it to ever feel like drudgery.

Two weeks in, and it is nothing but awesome. It is a quiet way to wind down the day. It is sweet to all be in the same room for a chunk of time. And it feels right. We all know it's good for kids to see their parents reading...now it's built into our day. So give it a whirl. I hope it works for you too!

overheard

Elsie had her blanket on her head while wearing her princess dress. I heard her say to Ivar, "I'm Maddie, because I am getting married. See my val? (veil) So I'm Maddie." Ivar said, "Oh, okay! Then I'll be Lisa!" (Maddie's mom. Ha!)

Ivar told me, "We are good pirates and we are fighting against the Philistines! And this time they don't just have one giant, they have nine! But we're going to win!"

Ivar said, "Elsie! You're just telling old tales!"

Frequently Elsie will invite me and Hattie to play with her, "We can play together! You be the mama, Hattie can be the baby and I'll be the little girl!"

We have been playing Christmastime this week, coloring wrapping paper to wrap things found around the house, making ornaments, hanging handmade decorations (basically, a lot of coloring.) I announced bedtime would be in 10 minutes and an exhausted Ivar threw himself on the floor crying, "I just have too many ornaments to make and presents to wrap! I'll never get it all done!"

Rory came and told me he saw the kids playing pretend on the couch and heard Elsie sigh, "We're almost there on a beautiful country drive."

Ivar said to me while sobbing, "I don't like how I'm acting either, but I just don't know how to stop!"