***
This is a big one! A huge one! And one that we've worked hard for. Ten Years! We did the most amount of work on our relationship in this last year, putting in lots of time in marriage counseling right around our 9th anniversary. And I can say it was worth every minute. Because in some crazy twist I feel like we've had the best year of marriage this year too. We came out the other side so much stronger and unified. It feels great.I asked Rory to collaborate with me on this post, mostly out of my own curiosity as to how he'd respond. I told him I wanted to make a top ten list of things we wish we would have done differently, or things we are so glad played out like they did. Sort of our own ten bits of wisdom we'd pass along to another young couple living out their first decade together. We collaborated through emails, so the the voice might change from sentence to sentence, but we've both given it the final thumbs up. Here's our list, in no particular order, except this the order we thought of these things...
**We both wish we would have started having kids earlier. We were very strategic and well thought-out with our family plans. We actually called it "the 5-year plan" and felt like it would be wise to get our finances and work ambitions up and running before we started a family. We paid down debt, got to know each other, worked towards a stable marriage, I worked full time and we saved every dime of my earnings practicing how to live on one income. We traveled and lived all over the country. I got to pursue camp ministry. And that was great. But in the end, we both wish we had started having kids sooner. The day after Ivar was born Rory said to me, "why did we wait so long?!!" And we've felt that way ever since. Kids are a lot of work, but they're way more reward than you could ever put into words.
**We have lived on a budget our entire marriage and it has saved us many a financial fight. Rory's work brings in a greatly fluctuating income, depending on various contracts. And because we both value my time as a stay-at-home-mom, and Rory's income in unpredictable, we live on a frugal budget. This can be hard as there are times when I know we're making more and it feels like we can relax a bit. But Rory is so strict about this budget...he'll put us on a spending freeze ten days before the month is out if he thinks we're running low. It's a great way to eat out of the pantry and freezer, and a great way to continue to live within our means. Sometimes I rebel against the budget because boundaries are annoying, but over and over again I would never trade the security, unity and peace I feel because I know our finances are all in order. On the whole, we don't fight about money. We've had seasons of much and seasons of little but the budget keeps us from fighting about it. We fight more with the budget but usually not each other. (Dave Ramsey's course is awesome, if you ever get the chance to take it. It was foundational in teaching us how to even begin talking about money.)
**We are really glad we moved out of state for a while. We lived in Montana for six months and then on to Nebraska for almost two years. Nebraska was especially good for us...we knew no one and our memories from that season of life are so sweet. Life was simple. It really was just the two of us looking for adventures together, building and creating (we were so creative then!) in our apartment. We had no obligations to anything because we didn't know anyone. We knew we wouldn't live away from family forever, but for the sake of building up our union of two, this was a great move. The moment we got pregnant with Ivar our plan was to get back to the land of grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, and cousins. And we're so glad we did...especially as we strive to raise our kids in the faith.
**We wish we had more hobbies together. In reality, we probably spend way more time together than the average couple. I'm a stay-at-home mom and Rory is a work-from-home business owner. We are together all the time. And I love it. But we don't have many shared fun activities in how we spend our time. We aren't into sports teams, I sort of golf, but I don't like to garden or build things. I do like to document our life and Rory makes our life awesome to document. But we probably should look into a bowling league or origami class.
**Last April we got rid of the tv when we noticed how adversely it was affecting our kids behavior (and our own) and we are so glad that we did. We both read much more now. The temper of our house is way more calm and creative. We often have multiple fun projects going and our kid's ability to play together has increased by hours. HOURS, people! On Friday nights we pop popcorn, hang a big sheet in our living room for Family Movie Night (with the projector) and the kids pick a movie and then Rory and I watch one together after they go to bed. Our kids don't beg us to watch another episode of Bob the Builder all day long because they know we watch TV once a week, together as a family. It has become an awesome weekly ritual, and I will not plan outings on Friday nights anymore because it is such quality family together time.
**Rory mentioned this one..he said he's so glad he took risks early in our marriage, like starting a new business. When we were dating he quit his job to break out onto his own full time. Our first year of marriage was the beginning of his company and gradually it was able to support us. It was nice that he had the opportunity to fail a few times before getting these ventures on their feet before we had kids. We now recognize that having kids really does lessen your ability to "risk it all" because you are providing for a family. But now it is his computer-based business that is allowing us to live on this farm, allowing Rory to work from the country.
**We have tithed faithfully and God is faithful. I've never known how to write about this one before because it is a touchy topic to talk about. But I want to say that we have tithed (and then some) for our entire marriage. And there is something about tithing faithfully that is directly tied to God's provision for your life. I've heard the cliche that you cannot out give God, and I am here to say it is completely true. Again, you never get to talk about this stuff aloud, but I have first hand stories of God's faithfulness in providing for our family that still leave me in awe and wonder. If you don't tithe 10% of your income to the church you attend, you need to give it a try. This is the only topic in the Bible where we are invited to "test God." (Malachi 3:10) Tithe with a cheerful heart and just see what happens.
**This is one we're still trying to work on, but we regret not getting a weekly or even twice monthly standing sitter for just the two of us. Most of our sitter requests are for times when we meet with our small group or are taking a class or are invited to dinner with friends. But we rarely get a sitter for just the two of us to go out alone. And that's a shame. The trouble is that sitters and food and date nights are expensive, but I think it would add a lot to our relationship.
**We have figured out how the other refuels. Rory needs unstructured, unplanned, unscheduled down time. A lot of it. And I need people, spontaneity, travel and adventure. The difference here just requires a whole lot of communication and compromise. I have learned to plan my adventures far enough in advance that Rory is fully on board when the time comes. And he has learned that on a given night, there are times when it is just worth it to get me out of the house and making a memory. It takes intention and it takes compassion for how the other is wired. And it is so, so worth it.
A final thought...
**We are so glad we chose each other. I was so worked up our entire engagement, wondering if I was making the right decision. Rory and I were so opposite then. (Rory doesn't think we were all that opposite though...) I knew I loved him, I knew I wanted to be with him forever, but I just could not figure out how we would work into each others lives. On paper were were opposite in nearly every way. I put him through the ringer while we dated. A few nights ago he told me that even if I had called everything off he would have still waited for me. And man, I came close! But I cared so much for him from the start. We were such good friends. I saw so much in him that I admired and I loved who I was when we were together. I felt like a part of my personality clicked into place when we were together and I liked that girl. And now a decade later, I can see all the ways that we have become one, and all the ways that we compliment each other, and all of the ways that we strengthen each other's weaknesses. Our life together is definitely not perfect and sometimes we drive each other up the wall, but we both can clearly see that our life together is good for us, growing for us, and worth the work. We are better people together than we could have ever been apart.
Here's to the next ten ahead!
(Click here for a fun picture post of our first nine years together...)
