being good to myself

I am so grateful for the emails, texts, phone calls and comments I got from Thursday's post. I suppose I knew on some level that by going there I was inviting a whole lot of room for response, but I think that was the point. Depression is isolating, and I've been alive long enough to know that a whole lot of people deal with this. Some long term, some short term, some in the winter, some after a tragedy, some after a baby, some while in transition, some while trying to put their life back in order. And sometimes things are just out of balance on the inside and it doesn't have much to do with what is happening on the outside. For lots of us it is some combination of a few of the above.

I really do think this is related to weaning. I found more information here, here and here. The timing lines up perfectly, and I did wean Elsie very quickly mostly because she finally took to the bottle and I was eager for some good sleep (Ivar slept great after taking formula). But I never even considered my own body's reaction as I stopped nursing.

I've been getting outside and that has been great. It's still cold here in Minnesota, but the sun has been shining and that feels awesome. The picture above was taken Sunday. Ivar insisted that his duplos come along in his stylish 31 bag. :)

now for a bit of levity: johnny pineapple

I've got more to say about yesterday's post. But for now, this seemed fitting for a Friday:

I worked at a nursing home for a few years as an activities coordinator. While going through some pictures I found this shot, and remembered an email I sent out telling the whole story. I found the email! 

January 15, 2007

Today Johnny Pineapple came to the nursing home to entertain our residents during our winter luau. He called us staff ladies up front for a little hula dancing and we worked the crowd. When Mr. Pineapple was packing up his things he asked if I had a moment to talk. I didn't- I had to go call bingo. He stuck around and an hour later tracked me down and made a job offer as his side kick, a Waikiki Wildcat hula girl. For real.

He does local gigs for area boy scout troops, nursing home events, father-daughter church banquets and is in need of a hula girl. He said, "my current hula girl is going through a really messy divorce, and I could just tell you can work a crowd...they loved you out there. Now you're the first person I've asked, and before you say no I've got to tell you, it's good money. $200 for 45 minutes of dancing. We would do an every other song thing...I'd sing for a song, then you'd come out and dance for a song and while one of us is on stage, the other is changing their costume just to keep our presentation appealing to the eye. We each have like 5 outfits"

You can check him out at johnnypineapple.com  Part of me is tempted by the amazing writing material I could glean from this sort of work. The other part of me is tempted by the money. The other part of me is laughing my head off picturing myself shaking my hips in front of a bunch of cub scouts.

february reflections/ postpartum and naming my fears

I actually have felt myself growing this month. I feel wide open, aware of my weaknesses and am able to look right at them. Aware of my fears. Able to name them. It's not often I have this sort of clarity, so I am counting this as a blessing, though it is a vulnerable place to land.

I chose this picture to put with this post because I want my kids to forever see me growing and becoming the woman God made me to be. I want them to see me treat myself kindly, listen for God's leading and not afraid to be vulnerable and tender.

February Reflections:
A Humbling: Without going into all of the details I have been humbled this month like I have never been humbled before. In a task that I felt fully confident and empowered to lead, I think I may have missed the mark. And this has left me with my head bowed, my heart softened and my ego deflated.

God's Will: I have a dear friend who has lost three babies. I heard a story of three sisters in a fatal accident that knocked the wind out of me. I have a friend who just had her ultrasound and was told the very thing a mom and a dad hope never to hear. It has left me in a place where I wonder why some live to 98 and others will never take a breath out of the womb. But I've been reading my Bible and finding comfort. And that feels good. And better than good, it feels loving. I always feel so loved when God continues to teach me. Through Job and Isaiah, Matthew and Paul I am learning much.

Postpartum: I looked up symptoms and signs of Postpartum Depression. I found one very helpful site that listed six surprising symptoms. Anger and Irritability was number one. Trouble falling asleep and going back to sleep was number two. I've had these symptoms in spades and I took some comfort just knowing there really are intense hormones at play in my body. I also think this has been a long winter and that moving to a new home has played into my daily outlook, but I also think postpartum is real and I've been affected.*

Hard on myself: I think this is a result of the above, but I have been terrible to myself. I come home from gatherings and replay every stupid thing I said. I beat myself up for having talked too much. I replay conversations and feel guilty for having missed obvious topics that deserved a quality follow up question. It's ridiculous. I can write about this today because I had a nice day of good conversations. But I have spent far too many evenings laying in bed wishing I had acted differently, reacted differently, said something or not said something. It's exhausting. And it is time to start accepting myself, foot in mouth and all.

And so this is where I begin the month of March. I have a few goals for this new month:
1. Be nicer to myself
2. Keep reading my Bible
3. Pray and Meditate
4. Get outside for walks, take my multivitamin, buy more daffodils and tulips, drink lots of fresh squeezed citrus juice and play more music

March should be good. It's my birthday month, afterall!

bring on springtime

I bought these lovely flowers at Cub Foods last Thursday night as my own personal reminder that springtime will come. Last week was really cold and we were going a little crazy in this house. So on Thursday night we went to one of the hotels in town and paid five dollars a person to swim and hot tub for the night. It was money very well spent and felt like a little mini vacation.

And then I came home and made my favorite treat as of late: super pulpy grapefruit and orange juice. I got a little hand squeezer thing for a few bucks and love it so much.

We had the place to ourselves and the pool was warm as a bath. Ivar wasn't interested in getting in though. And we didn't push it. Elsie was in a great mood (I even brought her exersaucer so she could be self contained and happy) and Rory and I sat in the hot tub until I felt hot. What a great feeling!

Pinterest Fail and Prevail/ Microwave Cleaning

I'm in a season of Pinterest addiction. It's sort of my unwind time. My get-my-mind-on-other-things time. I would consider the amount of time I spend browsing to be my FAIL if I wasn't finding such handy little ideas...

Like a post about microwave cleaning. PREVAIL!

You're looking at my microwave above, after the wipe down.  I am not going to be showing you the before picture because I have my pride, you know. But it was bad. Really bad.

I put a cup of hot water and a cup of white vinegar in this pyrex, set the cook time for 10 minutes and watched the water and vinegar boil and steam the whole microwave. Then I took a towel and wiped the baby down and everything came off like some glorious infomercial. It was so easy! (and boiling hot...be careful!)

Click here for more clever household helps.