a little heartbeat

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A life has been growing in me for the past 12 weeks.
Sometimes I forget this. I don’t forget that I’m not feeling well, but I do forget that the reason I feel crummy is because a little heart is beating in me and fingers are separating and eye sockets are forming and reflexes are starting to develop.

With Ivar I was so aware of every new change happening inside. I daydreamed and wondered and sat in awe of all that was to come.

Now, with a one year old to chase, this pregnancy continues to take me by surprise. Like yesterday, Rory and I sat at my obgyn and they gooped up my belly and we heard a steady, strong heartbeat. It was as joyous as seeing my positive pregnancy test. Sort of surprised me in the same way. That’s right! We are having another baby!

So to all of the baby #2’s out there who fear you were sort of lost in the shuffle. You may very well have been. The second is totally different than the first, even 12 weeks in. But the joy is the same. And the anticipation and excitement when it does come, is very, very real.

Best of all baby-to-be, you have a big brother who never forgets you are coming. Every time I get Ivar out of his crib, he reaches for my shirt, lifts it up, sticks his finger in my belly button and says, “baby.” I am pretty sure he thinks belly buttons are called babies but I’m not going to correct him anytime soon. It’s the best reminder that life is growing, a brand new heart is pumping and we have a little life working really hard inside of me getting all set to join our family.

my kitchen table theme song

Sara wrote this song while doing the dishes. The song is about all of the daily tasks to be done, only to be undone and then done again the next day. Setting up the Pins is about deciding to either resent those tasks or embrace them. "You can find joy in the fertile ground" is the line that rings true for me.

I adore this video. Though you'll note Rory and I are the only family members missing for the family supper. We lived in Omaha and couldn't get back. But just know a little part of me dies every time I see it. #1 because I missed my opportunity to be in a music video and #2 because...well, I missed my opportunity to be in a music video.

It makes me grateful we live in Minnesota again. And are available for music videos.




And if you have a minute be sure to watch this video too. It's great storytelling and song writing.

Okay, I just keep coming across more good Sara video's on Youtube. Be sure to watch this one too.

my 2012 word for the year

What on earth? Will someone please tell her that’s actually two words?!! And that the one little word isn't supposed to be a noun? ‘Kitchen Table’ is ridiculous.


Well, you could tell me that. 

And I could have chosen two other words that probably would have made more sense to the one little word club. I thought about intention. As in 'intention to get a meal on that table each night.’ And I thought about the word gather, as in ‘gather round family, its 5:30 and I’ve got something real tasty for you to eat.’

But intention and gather felt too flowery for me this year. Too schmaltzy, if you will. This isn’t about pretty sounding words and high hopes. This is about meat and potatoes. It’s about the practicalities of getting a routine in my life so that grocery shopping isn’t a mystifying experience every week. It’s about planning and preparation so that I am not begrudgingly trying to guess what I should make for supper every single day. And it’s about peace of mind knowing that the days of eating in front of the tv are over, Ivar is old enough to sit through a meal with us and that the time we gather and talk and break bread at the kitchen table is perhaps the most sacred time in our day.

Now to be fair, it's not like we never eat at the table. We probably do 3 or 4 times a week. But this new plan has as much to do with my attitude about the daily task of putting something on that table as it does getting us all there. My plan with Kitchen Table is to up that number of nights per week and to up my attitude about filling that table with good things to eat. (Rory has already said he'll take a night.)

So the word is Kitchen Table. As in, I’m going to clear the table and set the table. Sometimes I might even have a centerpiece. A lit candle seems like a good idea. I am going to meal plan, organize my grocery list and think about the next night’s supper and what needs to thaw overnight. And then, at 5:30, I’m going to call my family to the kitchen table and we’re gonna thank God for the sloppy joes before us.

thoughts on my 2011 one little word: try

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When I was seven months pregnant with Ivar, Rory and I spent a week at Mount Carmel for family camp. We were sitting at a table in the dining hall that looked over the lake and my friends Amanda and Lindsey came and joined us. They are former summer counselors that I used to supervise, and now I get to count as friends. They came to our table on a mission. They had something to say.


They asked me if I’d ever consider writing a book of short little thoughts on motherhood, stories and lessons along the way. They were persistent. They wanted me to write this so they could read it one day when they had babies. I laughed but they didn’t laugh. I remember later feeling badly for being so flippant at their request.

Something about that conversation stuck for me, and really took a load off. I have wanted to write something for a long, long time. But the thought of publishing, finding readers, critique, and being that absolutely vulnerable scared the wits out of me.

But Amanda and Lindsey were just asking for something that they could later read. I’m not scared of their critique. I’m not afraid of their judgment over incomplete thoughts, typos and laying myself bare. They like me. I like them. I would write for them.

I wrote a lot on the blog about pregnancy and Ivar’s first year, but there is a whole lot I didn’t put on the blog. So I started keeping a file filled with short writings pertaining to every month of his life, filled with transition, awkward moments, charmed moments and everything in between.

My word for 2010 was Try. Because that was the goal: I’m going to try to complete something that I can self publish. I have terrible voices in my head that tell me not to bother, but my word for the year was meant to stand in defiance against those voices. I’m just going to try. No one has to love it. No one has to read it. At least I tried.

So I did. We set up babysitting times once a week so that I could drop Ivar off with grandparents and aunts and uncles and I holed up in library study rooms across the metro area.

I’ve got a pretty complete rough draft to show for it. Because I tried.

I’m in a new stage of writing now, one that I have never been in before…editing. Blogs are funny because nothing is ever edited. I write and publish and what you see is what I wrote. But I’m hopeful for no typos. No glaring grammatical errors. And for that, I need someone else’s help.

So that’s my reflection on my word for 2011. I have a new word for 2012. I’m really excited to share it and more excited to live it. It’s a great word full of meaning for me. Full of purpose and ambition. And this year, it’s a noun.

the best of 2011

One of my favorite bloggers puts together a post of her personal bests for each year. I thought I'd give it a go myself and had such a cool time going through my favorite pictures, reflecting on the past year and all the good things we packed it with. I give you, my best of 2011: