processing

I feel like I have too many thoughts flying around in my head lately. I can't hardly think through one full circumstance without launching 12 other semi-related thoughts. I am really scattered and because of feeling scattered, I feel unproductive. My true nemesis.

Saturday I had an entire day to myself. Rory was at a CPR class, and it was just me with not a whole lot planned. But the day came and went and it was neither restful or productive. I filled it with lots of parts of projects but didn't complete anything and didn't feel like I had much to show for the day. Even if I had sat on the couch and napped and read all day I would count that as productive, as long as I felt rested. But I didn't feel restored from a day of rest either. (Plus, I babysat a 18 month old who completely took it out of me! She kicked my, and my clean apartment's hiney. We both looked very messy when she left and it was my first sobering, slightly less joyful look at the season ahead.)

So this morning I sat down and made a list of all that has been running through my head. I did a brain dump. I listed the serious concerns and lesser subtopics that keep popping up and wrote down next to each one why it is weighing on me.

The interesting thing, is that there were two on the list that required the back of the paper to fully flesh out why I've been so affected. I'll share one.

My aunt Jan just recently had the most horrible of surgeries I could ever imagine. She has cancer of the tongue, and hasn't been able to eat food since last July when she had the cancer removed. (Her husband has faithfully tube fed her six times a day for the past 12 months.) But the cancer came back and this time the doctors decided they needed to remove a lot more of her tongue, replacing it with skin from her wrist. The surgery was two weeks ago, and the recovery has not been smooth. She is now turning a corner and we praise God for his healing hand.

When I was writing this down on my list, I kept writing and realized that the very hardest part of this surgery and scary season my family is walking through, for me, has been watching the toll it has taken on my mom. As a daughter, it is really hard to see your own mom cry so hard. She is very close to Aunt Jan; they talk every single day. And now Aunt Jan can't talk. Mom has been to the hospital daily and calls to give me updates. Those first calls after the surgery, she sounded so beat up. So exhausted and shook.

I think, being so close to my own sister, this has been even more painful to watch and imagine. It's hard to know what to say...even to my mom. And it has left me with a heavy heart, waiting each day to hear the progress from the hospital.

***

I continued with my list, which grew quite long with every running thought in my head, and a strange peace began to settle in. As my list grew, my grace for myself grew too. I could finally see clearly that there is just a lot happening right now, and I think I have been trying too hard to keep on keeping on. I'm now thinking my time in this season might be best spent going item by item on my list and trying to do something that would sedate that thought for a while. And even as I am typing that I am realizing that my "doing something" should really be to take this list and to turn the whole thing into prayer. This heavy load has gotten me down, and I don't think I'm supposed to carry it anymore.

wisdom from sonna

Last night I had the following conversation with my 3-year-old niece, Sonna (in this picture she is sitting on top of her sister, Mara.)

B: So did you have fun in the paddle boat?
S: Yes. You don't even have to wear a seatbelt in a paddle boat. But you do in cars.
B: That's true. And you don't wear a seatbelt on a train, but you do on an airplane.
S: (thoughtful pause) And you don't have to wear a seatbelt on a rainbow.
B: Did you just say rainbow? Like up in the sky?
S: Yes. You just look at them, but you don't have to wear your seatbelt.

more preggers surprises

#4) I am surprised at how complicated the months and weeks of my pregnancy are.
I don't get it. I am currently in week 23, but month 6. How does that work out? The math of a four week-month doesn't add up. I know when this baby is expected but I still don't get how weeks and months work.

#5) I was surprised that it took a while for us to get pregnant.
I can't complain...it didn't take us forever. But I was genuinely surprised to read (while we were trying) that the average woman in her 20's trying to get pregnant will usually take a year before she finds two lines on her pee stick. A whole year. And this is the average amount. It is still hard for me to believe this when it seems like plenty of young girls can get pregnant accidentally. And it just doesn't seem right that I know so many friends who are trying desperately for the same result.

When I took the pregnancy tests I couldn't believe how hard I was willing for a second line to show up. I thought of my announcement post during one of these unsuccessful tests, thinking it was so, so crazy how badly I wanted to see two lines show up.

#6) I didn't get weepy emotional.
I keep waiting for this to happen. It still might. But so far, my emotions are less weepy and sad as they are short fused and annoyed. My inability to find my patience at moments makes me think that this is how my irrational emotions have played out. I had just assumed I would cry a lot.

#7) How much Rory would want to be a part of this whole thing.
Rory came up to me just a few days ago and said, "I can't wait for the baby to come. I really want it to come now." And I replied that he could wait and that we would not want the baby to come right now. And he commented, "Well I know that, but it's just not fair that you get to have the baby with you all day long. I just want it out so I can spend that much time with our baby too."

He will stop dead in his tracks if I tell him the baby is moving. He can't get enough.

my 2nd of July parade...

Last week my counselors shined. They were so creative all week long. I was left with a really hard decision of who should get the gift card for the most creative programming idea. In the end, I sort of played it safe and rewarded the entire staff with a 2nd of July parade for which I purchased $25 worth of parade candy.

I told my staff to think of all of the 2nd of July parades they had ever, ever attended. And then I asked them to rank them from best to worst and to please put the parade we were about to experience at the very top of your 2nd of July parade list.

We all went outside, I made them sing "You're a grand old flag" and then five decorated golf carts came through the crowd throwing candy at everyone. And then they circled back for one more chance to throw their candy at their friends.

It was silly, fun, and a pretty decent camp parade. I suppose this was a nod to Mt. Carmel's parades and Flathead's parades. It felt necessary and was a great kick off to our extended weekend off.

our weekend in St. Louis

Rory and I spent the holiday weekend in St. Louis, visiting my Uncle Mark and Aunt Jane. We also got to spend a whole day with my cousins Yang Yang, Nancy and baby Zoe. We ate non-stop on this trip and shared lots and lots of really good conversations. The kind of conversations that even while you're having them you're thinking, this is a good conversation. :)

On Sunday Yang Yang took us out for Dim Sum and it was a feast. Chinese appetizers just kept coming to our table and it was fantastic. I like this style of eating...it is very social.

We went out on Friday night too, and when Rory opened his fortune cookie he was informed:

We are now calling our baby, "short stranger."

The whole weekend made for a great vacation. The time in the car with Rory was especially sweet...we travel well together and seem to have some of our most meaningful conversations while flying down the open road. (or as was the case yesterday, not so open road, but rather filled with frantic americans all trying to get home after the holiday weekend. We'll probably avoid travel on the 5th of July from here on out...)