mama wisdom day 2: stephanie

Stephanie is my brother's wife, and is a lawyer and mama out in Seattle. She has three beautiful and amazing kids: Claire, Simon and Penny. Stephanie knows a lot. I email her with my preggers questions, and she ALWAYS replies right away, with thorough, helpful, supportive answers. I sincerely believe she should either start her own, or team up with a mom-advice website...she's got a lot of good things to say and to share.

Stephanie and Penny. This picture looks like I used a fancy photoshop blur effect, but really my camera had just been sledding, and then was foggy when I came inside. Sort of cool though...

How would you describe your mothering style?
Free range, vaguely strict about behavior compared to my friends (but I live in hippy dippy Seattle, so being relatively strict here is like being in a relatively warm snowstorm. Still chilly.). I worry much more about the certain harms of raising children in a bubble than the minute risks of tabloid tragedies. I think kids can do a lot more than people give them credit for. Coincidentally, we have a lot more fun this way.

What resources or who in your life was/is the most helpful in giving sound parenting advice?
Books, in the trenches parenting friends. We got into a new parent group early on, and it was wonderful. We still vacation with some of those people. I love them a lot.

Was there a specific part of mothering that challenged you and your confidence in being a mom?
Not really. I guess I think we're pretty good at this so far? Dealing with Claire Helen's school this year has been tough. Oh, and pregnancy, actually. It was really hard for me to believe I would be good at mothering since I'm so bad at pregnancy. Luckily the two are not actually related, and the babies never cared whether I had enjoyed housing them in my uterus or not.

What is your favorite part of being a mama?
I really love a lot of it! I love seeing the big ones in bed reading under the covers with their reading lights. That might be my number one favorite sight in the world, and I get to see it every night. I love watching them with their friends. I love answering their questions, especially about science and literature and politics. I love watching Penny tune in to the rituals and routines of our family. I love how close Simon and Claire Helen are, and wait eagerly for Penny to join the fray. I love backpacking as a family. Closer to your end I always enjoyed how fully formed they were almost from the moment they came out. Claire Helen has always been introspective and loyal; Simon has always been gregarious and adventurous, and Penny has always been a ball of sunshine. Even at 3 weeks old, there's a real there there.

Do you have a favorite story or quote from one of your kids?
Becca, I have three children and have been mothering for nearly six years. I think by now I know not to pick favorites.

If you were to go back, and start your season of mothering all over again, what would you tell yourself?
"Look, I have a time machine!" I dunno. "You are right, this is going to be awesome"?

Anything else you would tell a first time, soon-to-be mom?
Oh, man, I'm full of pithy one offs of little to no practical value. Have more than one if you can; the sibling thing is cooler than I even imagined and keeps getting better. Stop breastfeeding if it sucks(ha!). It's better and all but not worth the angst. Try really, really hard to teach your kid early on that they are not the center of the universe(especially vis a vis other children). They want to believe they are, and you sort of do too, but that never ends well.

Talk more to Rory about how you will parent. Pregnancy and birth are going to happen no matter what you do, but you would be surprised how minor seeming differences in parenting philosophy can result in hours of negotiation in application(which usually has to happen at 2 am). There are a lot of ways to do this right, and not very many ways to screw it up.

Be willing to change your mind. Different kids need different things. If you are putting off changing a habit because you think it will be hard, go ahead and do it. It's not going to get easier. Don't get into power struggles you aren't committed to winning, and just don't get into very many period if you can help it. You can't make another person eat, sleep, or poop. The earlier you can get yourself out of those the better.

Having a baby radically upends a lot of your routines, but most of the logistical challenges are short lived. You will sleep again someday. You are not the only influence on your kids, and by the time they are 7 their peers affect their behavior as much as you do. Be aware of their community.

a sweet day.

Rory took me out for brunch after church. It was delicious. We enjoyed ourselves and talking about the year ahead and all that it will bring. Rory gave me two cards, one from him and one from the baby. And the one from the baby made me cry for a bit over my bacon and eggs.

The space inside of the flower is supposed to have a picture of your kid inserted. And all we know about our little life, is that at 14 weeks, it is the size of a lemon. So here is our kiddo, pictured for the first time. I can't tell you how much I love knowing that Rory found this lemon picture, resized it and printed it with highest quality on cardstock. Melts my heart.

And the inside of the card was signed by our pick for girl and boy names. (Sorry, we're not sharing our name picks yet. We've still got time to finalize those decisions...)

We came home from our feast and took at two hour nap together. When we woke up we laughed knowing that this is the last mothers day we'll be able to take a two hour nap together.

mama wisdom day 1: my mom

Happy Mother's Day! Are you ready for this?!! Because I am so excited. I've got seven days lined up of thoughtful insights into motherhood gathered from the closest mom's to me: my own mom, my mother-in-law, my grandma and my sisters.

Being that today is mothers day, I think I had better begin with my own mom.

My mom, Margaret, has three kids: Mat, Annika and me. She has five grandkids under the age of six, with two more on the way this fall. She lives for her family and loves being with her kids and grandkids more than anything else in the world.

Mom is a creative-type who used her energy to make life special. A holiday didn't go by that wasn't filled with tradition and fun. Her life work was with children: as a kindergarden teacher, a preschool teacher and later director. She now serves as a caretaker of her community, waking up each morning with a simple prayer for God to lead her to someone who needs a friend for the day. How would you describe your mothering style?
Encouraging of the gifts God has given each of the children, encouraging them to be kind, tenderhearted and forgiving and I was thankful! Thankful that I didn't have to do it alone. When Paul was busy with church, there were always neighbors and friends from church (of all ages) who just "adopted" our kids.

What resources or who in your life was the most helpful in giving sound parenting advice?
I'm blessed with a large family who were great resources for helpful advice and rolemodeling.

Was there a specific part of mothering that challenged you and your confidence in being a mom?
Bedtime! Paul was often gone at night and by then I didn't have much patience. I marvel at our kids and their bedtime rituals with their children.

What is your favorite part of being a mama?
Holding a newborn on my chest. Being a grandma and watching my children love their children so well.

Do you have a favorite story or quote from one of your kids?
My sisters said many times, "Annika is going to be a wonderful 18 year old...if you should live so long." She was wonderful and I did live that long. Her strong will has served her well and now she has two young daughters who are just as delightful.

If you were to go back, and start your season of mothering all over again, what would you tell yourself?
Take time to sit and read with the kids

Anything else you would tell a first time, soon-to-be mom?
Enjoy it, trust that you know what your child needs, don't worry about being perfect. Enjoy each stage, it all goes so quickly. Take time for your spouse and your marriage, leave the kids with grandpa and grandma and don't be afraid to get a babysitter. Get to know your neighbors! It does take a village to raise a child.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love that you are with your own mama today!

driving without my phone

My mom and aunt Louie have been watching Oprah's shows on the dangers of driving while on your cell phone. And my mom began a campaign to try to get me to stop using mine while driving.

The trouble for me, is that I drive in a straight line to work, 20 minutes, both directions. It's an easy commute...just keep driving straight. So I have found a habit of using this time as my time to call friends and family. My sister has commented that she always knows when it is 5:02 in Nebraska, because her phone mysteriously rings every day at this time (4:02 her time).

But mom has been laying it on thick...pleading for me to stop this habit now that I have a baby in me, and with hopes that I might end this bad practice before I'm trying to talk on the phone, drive my car and reach for fallen sippy cups on the floor of the back seat. (I've babysat enough to know this is very common.)

Rory has never approved of this multi-tasking either. The other day we were behind a car that was swerving so badly on the interstate, we truly thought the person was drunk. But she was just on her phone, tending to her toddler in the back seat and driving 75 miles an hour. He is happy that mom and Louie are pushing so hard.

So, beginning last Monday, I quit cold turkey. To do so, I literally had to start putting my bag with my phone in the back seat. If I left it accessible it was like my passenger seat became temptation island.

But the honest truth is...I had no idea I was this addicted, dependent and involved with that phone. This sort of healthy change can only lead to good things. I'll keep you posted.

it's time!

I just went to the store to get milk and saw a bin of watermelons. Skeptical that it might be too early, I decided to purchase just a quarter of a melon, wrapped up in plastic with a price tag of $1.79. I could take the risk with that price...if it was bad, it wouldn't be a huge loss.

But oh, to my utter delight, it was divine. Which means, it is watermelon season!

I ate half of this piece pictured with a fork on the cutting board. No time for a plate. No time to take it to the table.

As I devoured this beauty, I thought of three memories:

1. At some point in our childhood, my brother told me (while eating watermelon at a family picnic) that if he ever fell into a lot of money, he would buy watermelons in bulk, eat just the middles and give the rest to the poor. And I remember thinking he was genius.

2. In highschool I went camping with a few girlfriends. While other high schoolers were consuming other things in large quantities, the four of us decided to get an enormous watermelon, and we ate the entire thing in one sitting. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it led to dozens of bathroom trips that night. Dozens of trips.

3. I remember with amazing clarity, the watermelon juice I was served one day in India. The watermelon had been in a cooler, and they put chunks in a blender, strained the seeds, and poured it into a frosty glass. It was hot that day, and I honestly had never been served anything more perfect in my whole life.

So here's to watermelon season! If it weren't for Christmas, I'd say it's the most wonderful time of the year.