I'm 36!

I have written about this before, but I still champion this idea so I'm going to write about it again. A few years ago I took Rory off the hook for my birthday. I have high expectations for my birthday and was always hoping that maybe he could magically read my mind when March 18th came around. As it turns out, he could not read my mind. But I could! So I started planning my own special day from start to finish.

I recommend this SO MUCH. Because I know I'm not alone in this. I know too many stories of the big day ending in disappointment and tears. But I really believe your birthday is your responsibility when you become an adult. It just is. So whether I am turning 36 or 66 or 96, I will continue to plan my day. It's not my husband's job, not my children's, not my friend's. It's mine. And you know what? All my expectations are met when I plan the day.

So Saturday was my big day, and I was ready for it. Friday night I cleaned the kitchen and hung my own pennants. I set the table for a fun brunch party with my family, bought my own coffee cake and woke up early to meet a bunch of girlfriends for a birthday breakfast. I invited every one of them and told them not to bring a gift or a card, but to just pay for their own pancakes. I love beginning the day with friends. It's good to feel loved by girlfriends at the start of the day!

When I got home the kids were ecstatic to give me their cards and to have coffee cake (which, I can't actually eat because of my no-grain eating plan...but I bought the cake mostly for them because it is very important to have your kid's buy in for your big day!)

But in a crazy surprise Rory had spent the morning making me a very complicated Paleo Chocolate Pie! Now here is an added bonus to letting your husband off of the birthday hook: anything he does is genuinely appreciated because it is bonus! And not done out of birthday obligation. I was so surprised and impressed. We had this chocolate pie a few weeks ago with friends and I loved every crumb. It is coconut cream, dates and melted chocolate (and other things) on a walnut crust. I told Rory that I would have been really intimidated to attempt that recipe and he said, "oh, I was."

I spent the afternoon making special foods for a Seder meal we had the next day (that I'll write about tomorrow.) And that was a great task too: to try a whole bunch of new recipes. I really enjoyed playing in the kitchen all afternoon. At 3:00 we dropped the kids off at my friend Allyson's house and she watched them for four hours. I'll return the favor on her birthday in two weeks. Genius! And we lined it up, because we are adults!

Rory and I went to a coffee shop and talked for a few hours and then out to dinner. And it was so great. I told him on the drive to pick up the kids, "I love time with you. I love when we get to finish a conversation." And it's so true. Our communication can be so fragmented and interrupted with so many vying for our attention. The joy of our date night was really getting to talk.

We picked the kids up, put them to bed and then watched a documentary on Sugar while eating the incredible chocolate pie. Perfect. 

in this season of life...

I thought of this post tonight while I took a hot bath and it made me laugh a bit and want to document this slice of life.

In this season of life we are playing Uno all. the. time. Ivar and Elsie love it. Hattie loves to grab cards close to the edge of the table. I enjoy the quick games and can't believe how long the long games can be!

In this season of life everything is about being fair. Raisins are counted. Cheerios are counted. Mothers are losing their mind. Two halves are measured against the other. Apple sauce levels are scrutinized. You would think these children were starving. You'd think this mom was unskilled at cutting things fairly. You'd think there was a shortage of cheerios.

In this season of life there is always dried toothpaste on the bathroom counter.

In this season of life Elsie changes her outfits four times a day. I once explained to her that only the dirty outfits need to go in the laundry basket, and eventually I figured out that those outfits are actually all dirty. Elsie wins for most laundry every single week.

In this season of life our couches are taken apart daily for forts and every blanket, chair and table are utilized to make large, amazing, precarious structures.

In this season of life we have spaghetti once a week because everyone cheers when I tell them that spaghetti is the plan for dinner.

In this season of life our toilet paper is either in a pile under the dispenser or piled back on the dispenser after someone found it unrolled on the floor.

In this season of life we all watch Rory leave in the morning and wave to him from window #1, and quickly move to window #2 and #3 as he drives down the road. He is well loved.

The thing that made me laugh about this list, as I thought about it in the tub, is that we will likely be in this season for the next many years! Baby #4 is starting this whole train from the beginning, and I guess I just see a lot more Uno, forts, spaghetti, dried toothpaste, unrolled toilet paper and dirty laundry in my future!

motherhood in march in minnesota is monotonous.

How's that for a blog title! You know how I do love alliteration.

Recently Rory and I had a really helpful conversation. It was without a lot of emotion, just an honest conversation about the challenge I am feeling while at home with three kids and how being home with kids all day can be lonesome and get really boring. Not that there is ever a lack of things to be done. There are always dishes, laundry, meals to make, cleaning, lesson planning and baths to fit in. But those tasks, day over day, (as they are for any mother in any circumstance) can make a lady weary. And even though this is what I chose, and even though I feel positively blessed to get to be home, the days can be so long, the time in the kitchen can feel unending and personal time feels like a taunt.

Also, motherhood in March in Minnesota is sort of the ultimate test. It's time for the change of seasons in lots of ways, but the seasons aren't changing. There is a special stamina needed to get through March...

The tricky thing is that I am not actually sure what would leave me feeling recharged. When Rory's cousin Kerah was here we talked about this and how it is tricky. Because time with friends is great and needed, but so is time alone. But that alone time almost has a pressure of its own, making sure it is utilized well. I have found that a hot bath and a good book does wonders for me. And I like the idea of time in the house alone but that requires everyone else go somewhere, which is hardly an option with naps and routines. So then I try to get out of the house, but quickly I make it a practical outing, getting groceries or diapers or picking up pictures that have been waiting for me for months. The days with little kids is just a sacrificial season. And that likely is the point. A mom has to draw near to God when the days feel long and the mess is constant.

But I do have this idea lately of creating play centers for myself around the house, just for me. Things that would add little bits of mom-fun throughout my day. Like a little spot to make something creative. Or a letter writing station to send some paper love to another. Or favorite podcasts to play, always having a great book to pick up, an awesome stack of magazines from the library, worship music playing in the background. Baking is always a good option for me. When life is so reactionary to little ones and their needs are constant, I really have to be better about giving myself little breaks.

Anyway, I thought this was all a worthy topic to write about. Motherhood can be very monotonous. And monotony can be a real mind-game to conquer! For a mom with young kids, there are refining fires all around that are hopefully building the best character in her heart as possible: patience, self-control, gentleness, kindness... The ones that you have to learn through trial and error, grace and forgiveness and new mornings when we get to pray for God's Spirit to give those needed fruits for the new day with the same kids doing the same thing. :)

So I'm off to make little play centers for myself. And I'm super excited about this!

do less. but do it.

I have always adored my cousins. When I married Rory I got the bonus of all of his cousins...all of whom I would pick as friends. And here I just married into the clan! One of his cousins, Kerah, came for a visit last week and our time was incredible. Again, I'd pick these people as friends and here they are...my family.

Kerah's boys are 13 months apart. Can you even imagine? Baby #2 was a surprise in lots of ways. Even his arrival was a surprise when his mom delivered him in the front seat of their car on their way to the hospital!

We had some of the most helpful conversation I've had a in a long time. I have another blog post in the works with some nuggets from the rest of our time together, but to begin, I think this is a worthy topic to write about.

 I recently saw a picture of me holding Ivar and Elsie right when Elsie was born and it knocked the wind out of me. I remember that season. Those little ones were really little. And really dependent and demanding. And seeing that picture gave me a little glimpse into what is up ahead. Kerah said that she really struggled a few months after her second was born, and I remember those days too, especially after Elsie. Some days were really dark. Postpartum depression is real. And I think it's just good to acknowledge that it comes with some babies. It can feel like a surprise, because you may have not had it with your last baby. But here it is. A cloud of weariness descends.

This wasn't postpartum, but recently I told Rory, "I am feeling so depressed today." And he said, "Oh that makes total sense. We haven't seen the sun in a week, you haven't been out of the house in days and have been caring nonstop for sick, mopey kids. Of course you're feeling depressed. Just let yourself feel it. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to have bad days...those are real emotions that we don't have to always run away from." Then he encouraged me to go out for a walk.

Now I know there are stories and circumstances that require outside help. And I won't dismiss that. But I have to tell you, having Rory acknowledge (and not panic) about my depressed mood was sincerely helpful. I stopped feeling bad about feeling bad and just started taking care of myself in better ways.

We talked about what would be helpful during those dark days...ways that friends could really carry you through that season. Mostly because I feel like I need to make a concrete list for myself so that when fall and winter come (I'm assuming that is when I'll start to feel the weight and hormones of baby #4...that's when I felt it with Elsie. Not when she was born in the summer, but when it got cold and isolated in the winter) I will have some practical ways to ask for help.

Here's what we came up with:
A meal quickly dropped off. Doesn't have to be gourmet. In fact, a Cub Fried Chicken meal, purchased ten minutes before drop off is as welcome as anything. I always over think this one so that I never do anything. I think I should prepare some awesome meal, but that truly is not my gift. However, that doesn't let me off the hook! A gift card to a restaurant in town would be just as kindly received. In so many of these ideas, IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT REALLY, TRULY DOES COUNT.

And then, the meal can be dropped off with a short chat of hello and encouragement. But actually a long visit can also be overwhelming. I think this is encouraging for me as the giver. I can tell Rory, "hey, I'm going to cub to get a chicken dinner for so-and-so and will be home in 45 minutes. Done and done.

A text message. When you think of that person, just drop them a line to tell them. Period. Done frequently, this can mean AS MUCH as a chicken dinner.

A voice mail. We both said that there are moments of mayhem where picking up the phone isn't an option. But to hear a nice message can be life-giving and also can be played over and over and over.

A card or piece of fun mail. Just any sort of hello from the outside world! Motherhood can feel lonely. It just can. I don't think we can fix that, but a nice card or sending someone a good magazine (!!!) would be so well received. I remember I got a box in the mail from my friend Heidi after Elsie was born. It had random toys that her kids wanted to pack (of their own) in the tiny box for my kids and two cans of tuna and a jar of pickle relish. She wrote: Dinner is done! Don't forget tuna melts! They're so easy. Just add mayonnaise to this stuff and one more meal is over! I LOVED that gift. We had tuna melts that very night. I think of her every time we have them still.

Offer to take the bigger kid(s) for a few hours while mom and baby have some time to themselves. What a gift! And fun for everyone. The bigger kids are likely ready to bust out of the house on an adventure and would do well with some personal attention.

A visit to clean the bathrooms. Can you imagine this one? If someone just showed up with their own cleaning supplies and offered to deep clean your bathroom? Kerah had this done by my sister-in-law Lisa, and I think it's awesome. I'd for sure be embarrassed at the state of my bathrooms, but I'd be way more grateful than embarrassed! (clearly you'd have to check with the mom!)

Anyway. The point of this list is to remind MYSELF that I can do small things for others. I can do way less than my imaginative heart wants to do. But I still have to do it. I can't just keep thinking that I should drop off a Pioneer Woman Lasagna with homemade bread and amazing Cesar salad if it never happens. That doesn't count. Even if the meal was going to be amazing in my head. What I can do is run to the Co op and get a tub of their fresh soup and a loaf of their best crusty bread and drop it off quickly at the house. I don't have to wrap it beautifully. I don't have to include a nice card. Those are only hurdles that I will never jump to actually get the gift to the mom-in-need of a gift. So keep it simple. I can do less. But I have to do it.

Hope this helps. It helps me a lot!

this I believe

This picture has nothing to do with this post. But how fun that we have an owl living in our duck box!

***

Two years ago we were at a church that was reading through The Story, a summation of the Bible. Each week we read a chapter that the pastor preached on and our small group discussed.

Our small group was awesome. We were a really varied group, lots of different life experiences in the room and faithful to meet each week. Our friend Derrick was in the group, a pastor who now has a ministry that he runs in America and Israel. Derrick is one of those teachers that I hear teach and what he says has immediate impact in my life. Do you know this kind? I could probably list a dozen pastors and teachers and mentors that I simply hear better than others. When they speak their words go right to my heart. Derrick is one of those.

All through the reading of The Story, Derrick added his discoveries and fun facts to all we were reading.

I remember when we were reading through Exodus Derrick explained how each of the ten plagues correlated directly to an Egyptian god, so that each and every plague was a direct offense to that false god's followers.

And then they got to the Red Sea. And Derrick explained that even today, when you visit the Red Sea, there is a beach that stretches a mile or two wide. On either side of this beach is rock that would be pretty impossible to pass. But this beach is there, and it leads to a land bridge under the water, just 70 feet deep, also of sand that goes across the bottom of the Sea to meet up with another beach on the other side. The land bridge is also a mile or two wide, and on either side of the land bridge the water drops dramatically down to great depths.

He mentioned that this would be a great place to part the waters to let a million people pass through. And then he showed us images of this beach along with photos of the coral patterns on this land bridge that are in the shape of chariot wheels.

I remember sitting there, looking at the screen and I felt very skeptical. This all seemed rather convenient. Where are these images from again? I'd like to see this for myself.

But then the study continued. And we read of the journey following the crossing of the Red Sea, and Derrick showed us a map of the area, with the timeline written out from Exodus with how many days they traveled by foot from place to place. One of the pictures was a mountain that is no longer called Sinai, but is the one that he believes (and many others) was where God spoke to Moses. Interestingly, the top of this mountain is charred black, unlike any other in the area.

There were may more pictures and image that showed actual (and plausible) locations for the scenes from the story. I want to tell you what it did for me. Seeing these images, whether I thought they were the actual location of not, helped me momentarily suspend my disbelief, and I began to imagine how these events could have actually, literally played out. I began to hear the story as factual. Not as the epic tale of the exodus of God's people to the Promised Land, but as a real-it-actually-happened-exactly-as-written-account of this incredible history.

I can't quite pinpoint it but somewhere along the line I had decided that much of the Bible was great metaphor. That the reality of the events didn't matter so much as the message in the story.

But walking through the Bible, the written word of God, with these new eyes of belief began to change things for me and made me wonder new things. Mostly it made me wonder where in the Bible I had drawn the line that separated my belief and unbelief.

Listening to Derrick, and hearing and seeing his evidence of each historical event made me feel a whole lot like doubting Thomas who was given the grace to touch the holes in Jesus' hands and sides. A lot of people see that story of doubting Thomas as sort of a tisk tisk on Thomas for not believing without seeing. Jesus even calls the person who believes without seeing blessed. But I have always thought the story of doubting Thomas is full of grace. Because Jesus still let Thomas touch his scars. He still gave Thomas the fleshy evidence that Thomas needed to believe.

That feels like grace to me, and I felt especially close to Thomas as I tried to draw the line of metaphor to factual event. This was a long process. There were lots of conversations. I read a lot and prayed even more. I just wanted the truth.

About a year later, the Holy Spirit became very, very real in my life. Incredible wonders were seen right with my own doubting eyes and ears. It felt like God took me here first because he needed me to know that he is indeed alive and active today. That he is the God of the universe and is as big today as he was in the stories I was wrestling through. There are a few personal stories from that season that shook my faith in incredible ways. And because of those experiences, I decided to believe God could be big enough to be God.

Honestly, that was the heart of the matter for me. Was the God I had just experienced in power able to do all that he says he can do? Or is he unable to close the jaws of hungry lions? Is God unable use a young boy to kill an enemy giant? Is He not able to speak through dreams? Could God not keep a man alive inside of a whale? Is God unable to call two of every kind of animal to a boat? Is creating the universe in six literal days too difficult a task? Is God unable to resurrect his own son? Of course not. He is God, and able to do all things.

I have sat here in this new place for almost a year. It's a place that fully embraces the entirety of the Bible as true. Factual. Historical. Exactly as written. And I will tell you, it is a peaceful place. I read the Bible with so much more interest and openness. The Word of God speaks to me so clearly now, largely because I am not proof reading the text for errors.

This stance is definitely contrary to what the world is teaching. And it likely puts me in a camp that others would label simple minded.  But I am okay with that, even though it's not true. I have read more about carbon dating discrepancies and dinosaur soft tissue and sediment layers from flooding in the past year than ever before. And I see the history written in God's word with more clarity each day. As God's Word has come alive, God's World has also taken on new life.

And then there is this bottom line: When I read the Bible, I find the whole thing so believable. And I feel an overwhelming gratitude for seeing the truth. The Bible makes so much sense to me lately, especially because the world is such a mess. When I read the Bible I find the same mess, stemming from the same sins, from the same people rejecting God and mocking his commands. I just find it all so believable. And I take such great comfort in that. The Bible throws everything into the light and I can see that when you're not plainly listening to the Lord to direct your steps, sin creeps in and will gladly lead you astray.

This has me praying more than ever before and again, sincerely feeling grateful to have God's Word..for boundaries, for the law, for grace, for Jesus, for forgiveness, for second chances, for hope and eternal life, joy and provision. I'm so thankful for all of it.

When Adam and Eve ate the fruit that was not for them, it was because Satan whispered in Eve's ear, "did God really say..." and with these words, Satan planted a seed of doubt in Eve's heart wondering if God really was who he said he was. One of my favorite children's Bible's says that when God found out they had eaten the fruit he was heartbroken because now they would doubt who He was and begin to think they knew more than Him.

That is exactly what I see in the fallen world around me. A whole lot of people who think they know more than God. That they've out reasoned the Word of God. It's the oldest sin in the book. First introduced by Eve and Adam, and still creeping into every human heart, "did God really say?"

And you know, we can answer that question boldly. Yes. God really did say don't eat that fruit. God really did say to follow His commands. God really did lay down a law that is for our own good. God really did send Jesus to save us from every way we fall short of that law, the Word made flesh. And it's all recorded in the history written out in those 66 books. I have decided to believe all of it because it all leads to life as God intended from the very beginning.